The story continues...
So, now we are in January. I have my sperm. I'm newly diagnosed with PCOS. You've all read those posts. I reached out to him. I have no idea why. I told him I felt like tying up lose ends. I told him I thought of his cheating not so much as wanting to hurt me, but as his way out. I told him I had forgiven him (I was really at peace with where I was at). I asked for his forgiveness too; I said some pretty horrible things to him. Although, now, I'm not so sure I should have been so quick to apologize.
More foreshadow...ooo eee ooo....ok then.
He asked why I contacted him. What was this new leaf I was turning over? "Are you getting married or something?" I laughed and told him, "No, most definitely NOT getting married!" The next day, I spilled the beans. He congratulated me. He told me he always knew I'd be a wonderful mother. "Wow, a sperm donor, huh?"
We didn't talk much, then in early March, I was working a shift through the nursing pool. I ran into an old co-worker's (now) ex wife. She was surprised to know B was my ex. She said, "You know, people always wondered about you two. I could see you ending up together." Ok, that kinda did it. Anyways, I can't remember who reached out to who, but he told me he'd been following me online. That he had been thinking about me. So, we started talking big time again. More marathon late night conversations again. He wanted to come see me that first night. I told him no. The next Friday, we texted for hours, then Skyped for another five hours or so. It wasn't all heavy conversation, but it did get serious. He told me he moved on with J because he thought I had. I told him I moved on because I had no other choice. He said that they were in love, but that she couldn't handle him treating her well. She had dated a man for around seven years, who cheated on her and didn't treat her very well. She was very suspicious. They went to therapy. She said she realized she didn't love him after all. "I could have kids with him, but I don't think I love him." (Mind you, these are B's words. I've never spoken to J.) When I told him I only moved on because I didn't have a choice. He asked why I never told him this, and I said, "Because you just went away." He began to break down and cry. "Five years, we lost five years." I told him that I thought things were my fault. More crying. "Honey, why did you carry that with you all this time? I'm sorry; I'm so sorry."
All right, red flags already right? Ah, hindsight; what a cruel mistress you are....
I've never had Skype sex before that night, but strangely, it's not so awkward as it may seem. After that night, I was in love ALL over again. I was in church the following day, and I'm not too proud to say that I looked at the aisle and had an image of us walking up it together in wedding garb. He had one arm through mine, the other around a toddler on his hip; a boy with brown hair and dark eyes in a miniature tux. We had just gotten married, and he accepted my child.
Around this time, I was finishing my program and getting ready for my boards. B and I talked about my TTC plans, but he knew that I wasn't planning on it then and there. I asked him if he wanted me to put them on hold for awhile to see what would happen with us. I explained about pre-paid storage, as well as the other semantics of purchasing goods and using a cryo-bank, i.e., you can sell your vials back if you decide not to use them. He initially said, "No, your plans seem set. I wouldn't want to be in the way of that." We then agreed to try and see what happened with us, since I wasn't ready to TTC yet anyways. I told him I'd give it a few months. I asked him how he would feel raising a child that wasn't biologically his and from a donor, not a daddy. He said he didn't know. He had never thought about what that would be like. Women he knew with kids had them the old fashioned way. I didn't tell him I had begun to think of him as a father figure, but I had. I saw how he lit up when talking about his nephews and niece. I had seen how family oriented he had become. He wasn't out partying with his work buddies every night. He had hobbies, he appeared to have settled down. During our first conversation, when I asked him if he lived alone, he said, "No just with my wife and family," in a joking way. But then later said it would be nice. I concluded that if he seemed ready to have kids, we could do it either way. If he wanted the child to be his, I would have waited until at least next year to start trying. We would have been together a year then. That's enough time to know if we can make that work, given our history. If not, I would TTC this year when I was ready. He wouldn't be obligated to stay with me, and if it didn't work out, we would have no obligation to try to co-parent. I really wanted to avoid raising a child under the circumstances I was raised. My decision to have a child had been made, but I wasn't going to jump into having one with him traditionally right off the bat.
Notice that the image I had in church was of us being married with an older child. Either way, the child would have come first. This is actually not uncommon in modern Scandinavian culture. In America, there is still an over-bearing sense that marriage should come first. Across the pond and up "Nort", it is quite commonplace for children to be in their parents' wedding, and I do mean their parents' first wedding. In fact, the Crown Princess of Norway was a single mom when she met her Prince at an outdoor rock festival. I was in Norway the summer they got married, and believe me, the people accepted it with open arms. There really wasn't a scandal. Well, perhaps the citizens were too stoic to acknowledge the scandalous thought; hahaha.
My wonderful readers may remember my posts from around this time regarding relationships and how men would feel about a woman in this situation. Remember how I said that I'd accept a man's child under any circumstances? Yup, I meant B.
Anyways, I got to know B again. Yup, he still had my heart. But, he seemed withdrawn sometimes. He would say, "I've been told I'm hot and cold or have the intensity of lasers." He would either be in the moment 100%, or not really all there. It was hard to see each other, though we did talk every day. And, at the time of my boards, no sex yet. (Yes, the child conversation came WAAY before the sex; as it should be). We wanted each other and weren't shy about speaking of it or...well, Skyping it out; heh. It was the same way before. He would talk it up, but then it wouldn't happen. The first time we did it all those years ago, it was me who told him to come and put his money where his mouth was. He was so nervous on the way to my house; like a teenaged virgin. He got over it quite quickly as soon as we were inside-heh. So, this time, after Thai food, I sat in his lap and told him the dance was over. I didn't know it would feel that way and I have no idea why, but making love to him felt so natural to me, like we should have been doing so all along. It wasn't the crazy animalistic sex we would have before, but it felt comfortable, right. That night, we stayed up talking until around 4am. He was actually the one asking me questions while I was falling asleep; funny. He held me and rubbed my back. It felt so good to wake up and feel him next to me. He held me for another two hours. When we got up, he made me breakfast. When he went to bike to work later (he drives, but prefers to bike; I called him my Ironman Bam for a reason), he kissed me good-bye. After he got halfway down the block, he turned around, then talked to me for another 20 minutes. Then he kissed me again, and left.
It would seem like a fairytale ending. And really, I felt like a princess that day. I couldn't wipe the stupid grin off my face for days. I felt so loved. Um....reality check. Watch the classic musical Into The Woods. Act three is what happens AFTER happily ever after.....
A hint: when we were in bed that first night, his phone rang at 2am. He looked at it, saying at 2am it must be an important person. It apparently wasn't. I giggled and said, "Or a drunk person." He said, "No, I got rid of my crazy exes." I said, "But you told me you hadn't been with anyone since J." He stopped cold. "Um...no, I have."
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
And finally, just Bam; or, The First Go-Round.
This is also a modified re-post of a draft I wrote awhile back: specifically right before my first IUI this month, which sadly, was a NTT. Oh my gosh, I have been behind on blogging!
Note to self: you are an honest person with a good heart. You wear that heart on your sleeve and take honestly very seriously. But, perhaps it wasn't the best idea to tell a certain person about your blog. Because it keeps you from utilizing your online network of supporters, which you have come to rely on ALOT in the past several months.
Now begins the "other" post I talked about. I think I have been honest about how it was difficult to go through this without a SO. Well, it is. I've talked about how I've processed that at length in previous posts, as well as how I've come to the conclusion that it hadn't changed my mind. But, it didn't make me any less lonely. Ok, we all have they guy that we wonder "what if" about right? So, the opportunity to get back in touch with mine came up several months back. I took it. Why not? What have I got to lose? Actually, I told him about my TTC plans in January sometime, so it's not like he didn't know. But, I told him about my blog then, because at the time, I thought there was ZERO chance of anything happening between us. But, I'm no longer concerned with posting here. Because there isn't anything I would say here that I haven't already said to him or wouldn't say to him.
So, we started talking again on a daily basis. Getting re-acquainted. We had light hearted discussions as well as emotional ones. I told him that I would give it a little time to see if anything develops. I wasn't at a place where I could TTC at that time anyways. So, waiting worked for me. However, I left myself open for a LOT here.
Let me back up and explain. B and I have actually been involved with each other off and on for about ten years. We used to work for the same company but in different departments. I met him under a desk. Long story. I was attracted to him immediately, but we were both with other people. I was with the man who fathered my child. B is actually the one who helped me finally break it off with him. He would tell me how I deserved so much more than that. Those all night conversations in the copy room at work, the hugs, the support. It meant the world to me. We were friends and co-workers for a couple of years. Then, we both left our jobs in the spring of 2006. He went to CO for the summer. We stayed in touch that summer, and admitted there were feelings there then. Again, marathon all night conversations; surprising we ever got any work/school work done. After the job he took in CO didn't work out, he came back to MN. We started seeing each other. I was over the moon. But, it wasn't perfect. He would be distant, he would give me the silent treatment for up to a week when I'd ask him where he was or why he lied to me about something. Then, he'd come back, and make me feel like a queen. He told me he loved me and how much I meant to him. Sex became "making love," the first time I'd ever had a man refer to it that way with me. He would say how he looked at my picture every night, and wanted to cry when he couldn't be with me.
At the end of 2007 I found out he cheated on me right after we had returned from a weekend out of town together. His co-workers had hinted to me that there was another woman when we went out one night, but I ignored it. When I called him on it, he got mad and accused me of being overly suspicious. This sounds so child-like, but I knew it was true when I saw them both hop on Myspace at exactly the same time; around 5:30am. The day before, she had wrote, "Thanks for finally taking a bite. See you tomorrow night sweetheart." Then, she posted pics of herself in the front seat of his car. I asked B what that was about. He didn't answer, he just got angry. "Thanks for fucking accusing me!" Then, he changed his profile to say he was 28 (big lie), and looking for a relationship. I did the thing you aren't supposed to do; I contacted her. I asked her to leave him alone at least for awhile so B and I could figure things out. She said what I later learned could be a normal response. She said that it wasn't her fault if she was that fabulous and it was my fault if I couldn't keep my man happy. She didn't admit to sleeping with him, but didn't deny it either. I lashed out at her, which I probably shouldn't have done. She probably was a victim in it too; she was 19 or 20 and a server at the restaurant B got an accounting job at; B was 33. Um..yeah. I knew what that was about. But, it's easier to be angry at the other woman than the man. I told B to come to my apartment to get his things. He didn't even respond to my request. I packed them up and brought them to his work. I couldn't stand to look at them. Every time I did, it was a like a knife was shredding my heart again. Everything he had ever told me was a lie. He lived in Carver at the time. His work was in Bloomington. I lived in St. Paul. Yup, I'm not driving any further than I have to. He was living with his family then, and the last thing I needed to do was see them and mix them up in this. I dropped it off at the front, and B sent his boss out to get it. He couldn't even face me. (Later, I got a message from this woman, who referred to herself as Madam D. Nightmare. She was also some kind of "alternative model" on the side. She told me that I was acting like a stalker, and that I should stay out of gun range. Perhaps I don't feel quite so bad for her after all).
Anyways, I never got much closure. It took me a long time to be ok. I actually took an extended vacation from work and changed my school schedule to two night classes one day a week. I needed time to heal. And I did. Then, that March, he called. And I let him in again. He said he was sorry, and how much he missed me. He never would admit to sleeping with D though (her real name starts with a D). Then, that July, he didn't show up to a big VIP party my friend had. I had been really excited for it. I had my makeup professionally done for the first time ever. He texted me to tell me he was out "drinking with the boys." He then tried to say there were clients involved. I asked him what kind of clients a restaurant/store has to entertain like that. Nothing. I was hurt again. Then at the end of July/early August, he reached out to me again, and...you get the point. Then, in the fall (October), he contacted me again via Facebook. I looked at his page, and I saw that he was in a relationship with a woman; J. I called him, and he picked up right away. It went something like this:
RM: "Why did you contact me? What do you want."
B: "I don't know. I wanted to talk to you."
RM: "Did it ever occur to you how it would hurt me to see you with another woman?"
B: "I'm sorry; I didn't think it would hurt you that much."
RM: "What do you want from me?"
B: "I don't know. What do you want from me?"
RM: "Nothing now. Just tell me the truth once and for all. Did you sleep with D? What does it matter now?"
B: "No."
RM: "Were you involved with her?"
B: "To some extent yes."
RM: "So you were dating her?"
B: "No."
RM: "Well, that's what being involved means."
B: "No, I mean I spent time with her, got to know her, went places with her...".
RM: "Um, that IS involvement and dating B."
B: "I'm at work, I can't talk about this anymore. What do you want? Let me know."
I did ask him to meet me one last time for closure, then asked him not to contact me anymore. We set it up, but he backed out. He didn't contact me. I moved on. Dated. Nothing worked out in the long run, but not because anyone did anything wrong. They just weren't the right guys for me and I wasn't right for them. They were also younger than me (early or mid-20s at the time) and not ready to make a long term commitment. I don't fault them for this. It is what it is. I'm still Facebook friends with one of them. He is finishing out a military contract and doing well. He's a decent guy, and I'm proud of him.
So, you all know how I came to the decision to become a Choice Mom. I actually began thinking of it when I was with B, although I didn't know that's what I was thinking of at the time, per se. Kids were still a "someday" then. I knew that I wanted to be a mother. I wasn't sure how that would happen, but I did have a gay friend offer to be a known donor if I ever decided I wanted kids. On my 23rd birthday, I was having dinner and drinks with my parents and close friends at Chino Latinos. I turned to my father and said, "Hey, I might be having a baby with a gay guy." He said, "Ok." My step-mom said, "Really?!?!? How exciting!" Hmm...foreshadow foreshadow.
It's not that I didn't want to have kids with B. I just never had a firm conviction that there was only one way to have kids. Also, B, who is 9 years older than me, has a child who was born when he was 24 (I met him when he was 29). He ended up not being involved with his son. When I met him, he was, but the mother moved to CO with the child. I think that's one reason he went out there so fast when he got the chance. He didn't talk about it much after that. (In fact, he talked about it so little that I forgot during the years we were apart. I actually didn't remember this time, until he said something about his drivers license being revoked. In MN, that's often because of a lack of child support payments. This state is pretty strict about such things). So, that was in my head too. He swore he wanted a family, and would be very critical of the way N treated me when I was pregnant. But, also, I wasn't necessarily sizing him up as a potential father. I knew I wanted kids, but had no active plans in place at the time. Point being, my decision to become a Choice Mom wasn't made simply because it didn't work out with him or anyone else.
Ok, back on track again. B dated J for..maybe two years. They lived together for about a year of that. They took a trip to Europe and seemed happy. I'll admit to checking in on him every now and then; I'm nothing if not honest. I did always wonder how he could give her so many things that he couldn't or wouldn't give me. At the end of 2011, B added me as a Facebook friend. I thought about it, but accepted his request. I noticed he was single, but never contacted him. My Choice Mom plans were under way; I was in the thinking/planning stages. In January, I sent him a text.
To be continued...
Note to self: you are an honest person with a good heart. You wear that heart on your sleeve and take honestly very seriously. But, perhaps it wasn't the best idea to tell a certain person about your blog. Because it keeps you from utilizing your online network of supporters, which you have come to rely on ALOT in the past several months.
Now begins the "other" post I talked about. I think I have been honest about how it was difficult to go through this without a SO. Well, it is. I've talked about how I've processed that at length in previous posts, as well as how I've come to the conclusion that it hadn't changed my mind. But, it didn't make me any less lonely. Ok, we all have they guy that we wonder "what if" about right? So, the opportunity to get back in touch with mine came up several months back. I took it. Why not? What have I got to lose? Actually, I told him about my TTC plans in January sometime, so it's not like he didn't know. But, I told him about my blog then, because at the time, I thought there was ZERO chance of anything happening between us. But, I'm no longer concerned with posting here. Because there isn't anything I would say here that I haven't already said to him or wouldn't say to him.
So, we started talking again on a daily basis. Getting re-acquainted. We had light hearted discussions as well as emotional ones. I told him that I would give it a little time to see if anything develops. I wasn't at a place where I could TTC at that time anyways. So, waiting worked for me. However, I left myself open for a LOT here.
Let me back up and explain. B and I have actually been involved with each other off and on for about ten years. We used to work for the same company but in different departments. I met him under a desk. Long story. I was attracted to him immediately, but we were both with other people. I was with the man who fathered my child. B is actually the one who helped me finally break it off with him. He would tell me how I deserved so much more than that. Those all night conversations in the copy room at work, the hugs, the support. It meant the world to me. We were friends and co-workers for a couple of years. Then, we both left our jobs in the spring of 2006. He went to CO for the summer. We stayed in touch that summer, and admitted there were feelings there then. Again, marathon all night conversations; surprising we ever got any work/school work done. After the job he took in CO didn't work out, he came back to MN. We started seeing each other. I was over the moon. But, it wasn't perfect. He would be distant, he would give me the silent treatment for up to a week when I'd ask him where he was or why he lied to me about something. Then, he'd come back, and make me feel like a queen. He told me he loved me and how much I meant to him. Sex became "making love," the first time I'd ever had a man refer to it that way with me. He would say how he looked at my picture every night, and wanted to cry when he couldn't be with me.
At the end of 2007 I found out he cheated on me right after we had returned from a weekend out of town together. His co-workers had hinted to me that there was another woman when we went out one night, but I ignored it. When I called him on it, he got mad and accused me of being overly suspicious. This sounds so child-like, but I knew it was true when I saw them both hop on Myspace at exactly the same time; around 5:30am. The day before, she had wrote, "Thanks for finally taking a bite. See you tomorrow night sweetheart." Then, she posted pics of herself in the front seat of his car. I asked B what that was about. He didn't answer, he just got angry. "Thanks for fucking accusing me!" Then, he changed his profile to say he was 28 (big lie), and looking for a relationship. I did the thing you aren't supposed to do; I contacted her. I asked her to leave him alone at least for awhile so B and I could figure things out. She said what I later learned could be a normal response. She said that it wasn't her fault if she was that fabulous and it was my fault if I couldn't keep my man happy. She didn't admit to sleeping with him, but didn't deny it either. I lashed out at her, which I probably shouldn't have done. She probably was a victim in it too; she was 19 or 20 and a server at the restaurant B got an accounting job at; B was 33. Um..yeah. I knew what that was about. But, it's easier to be angry at the other woman than the man. I told B to come to my apartment to get his things. He didn't even respond to my request. I packed them up and brought them to his work. I couldn't stand to look at them. Every time I did, it was a like a knife was shredding my heart again. Everything he had ever told me was a lie. He lived in Carver at the time. His work was in Bloomington. I lived in St. Paul. Yup, I'm not driving any further than I have to. He was living with his family then, and the last thing I needed to do was see them and mix them up in this. I dropped it off at the front, and B sent his boss out to get it. He couldn't even face me. (Later, I got a message from this woman, who referred to herself as Madam D. Nightmare. She was also some kind of "alternative model" on the side. She told me that I was acting like a stalker, and that I should stay out of gun range. Perhaps I don't feel quite so bad for her after all).
Anyways, I never got much closure. It took me a long time to be ok. I actually took an extended vacation from work and changed my school schedule to two night classes one day a week. I needed time to heal. And I did. Then, that March, he called. And I let him in again. He said he was sorry, and how much he missed me. He never would admit to sleeping with D though (her real name starts with a D). Then, that July, he didn't show up to a big VIP party my friend had. I had been really excited for it. I had my makeup professionally done for the first time ever. He texted me to tell me he was out "drinking with the boys." He then tried to say there were clients involved. I asked him what kind of clients a restaurant/store has to entertain like that. Nothing. I was hurt again. Then at the end of July/early August, he reached out to me again, and...you get the point. Then, in the fall (October), he contacted me again via Facebook. I looked at his page, and I saw that he was in a relationship with a woman; J. I called him, and he picked up right away. It went something like this:
RM: "Why did you contact me? What do you want."
B: "I don't know. I wanted to talk to you."
RM: "Did it ever occur to you how it would hurt me to see you with another woman?"
B: "I'm sorry; I didn't think it would hurt you that much."
RM: "What do you want from me?"
B: "I don't know. What do you want from me?"
RM: "Nothing now. Just tell me the truth once and for all. Did you sleep with D? What does it matter now?"
B: "No."
RM: "Were you involved with her?"
B: "To some extent yes."
RM: "So you were dating her?"
B: "No."
RM: "Well, that's what being involved means."
B: "No, I mean I spent time with her, got to know her, went places with her...".
RM: "Um, that IS involvement and dating B."
B: "I'm at work, I can't talk about this anymore. What do you want? Let me know."
I did ask him to meet me one last time for closure, then asked him not to contact me anymore. We set it up, but he backed out. He didn't contact me. I moved on. Dated. Nothing worked out in the long run, but not because anyone did anything wrong. They just weren't the right guys for me and I wasn't right for them. They were also younger than me (early or mid-20s at the time) and not ready to make a long term commitment. I don't fault them for this. It is what it is. I'm still Facebook friends with one of them. He is finishing out a military contract and doing well. He's a decent guy, and I'm proud of him.
So, you all know how I came to the decision to become a Choice Mom. I actually began thinking of it when I was with B, although I didn't know that's what I was thinking of at the time, per se. Kids were still a "someday" then. I knew that I wanted to be a mother. I wasn't sure how that would happen, but I did have a gay friend offer to be a known donor if I ever decided I wanted kids. On my 23rd birthday, I was having dinner and drinks with my parents and close friends at Chino Latinos. I turned to my father and said, "Hey, I might be having a baby with a gay guy." He said, "Ok." My step-mom said, "Really?!?!? How exciting!" Hmm...foreshadow foreshadow.
It's not that I didn't want to have kids with B. I just never had a firm conviction that there was only one way to have kids. Also, B, who is 9 years older than me, has a child who was born when he was 24 (I met him when he was 29). He ended up not being involved with his son. When I met him, he was, but the mother moved to CO with the child. I think that's one reason he went out there so fast when he got the chance. He didn't talk about it much after that. (In fact, he talked about it so little that I forgot during the years we were apart. I actually didn't remember this time, until he said something about his drivers license being revoked. In MN, that's often because of a lack of child support payments. This state is pretty strict about such things). So, that was in my head too. He swore he wanted a family, and would be very critical of the way N treated me when I was pregnant. But, also, I wasn't necessarily sizing him up as a potential father. I knew I wanted kids, but had no active plans in place at the time. Point being, my decision to become a Choice Mom wasn't made simply because it didn't work out with him or anyone else.
Ok, back on track again. B dated J for..maybe two years. They lived together for about a year of that. They took a trip to Europe and seemed happy. I'll admit to checking in on him every now and then; I'm nothing if not honest. I did always wonder how he could give her so many things that he couldn't or wouldn't give me. At the end of 2011, B added me as a Facebook friend. I thought about it, but accepted his request. I noticed he was single, but never contacted him. My Choice Mom plans were under way; I was in the thinking/planning stages. In January, I sent him a text.
To be continued...
Is there ever a right time?
(Old draft I am finally posting, lol).
Seriously, is there ever? Let me explain. It seems that there are all these things I "have" to do before IUI. I had medical things to get in order. Check. I was "supposed" to lose weight. 40 pounds gone. Check. Check. I had to find a provider who didn't treat me like...well, I've spent enough time venting about that. Triple check.
Now, I've been told to wait until I have a full time job in my field with better benefits. By well meaning people, mind you. But now I'm wondering if it's actually worth it. I have a job that pays my bills. I have insurance, although it could be a bit better because it seems NO ONE has a contract with them. I have a place to live with an extra bedroom. I have the option to move if I want to as well. I have family and friends who will stand behind me no matter what. And...I'm halfway through another Provera burst, which means AF will be showing herself shortly. Anyone who has TTC in this manner knows that means choices have to be made.
I became curious. I hopped online to research drugs. Freedom will ship me 1 Ovidrel syringe and 7 Femara tablets for the ULTRA LOW price of $106.50. I can handle that I suppose. I called Diamond and spoke to my IF nurse. She assured me that taking plan B during the previous cycle (another post there) would not interfere with my TTC in the next cycle. My insurance should cover my first ultrasound/follie check. If I need a second one, I'll probably end up with a bill. I can pick up my "juice" myself now, so no shipping costs there. $150 for the "big show" (they offer a decent discount if you pay cash that day).
I know the old saying goes that if you wait for the right time to have kids you will never have them. I'm getting to the point where I feel like I've waited long enough. What do you all think? Should I wait and see for another cycle or just say heck with it and go for it?
Seriously, is there ever? Let me explain. It seems that there are all these things I "have" to do before IUI. I had medical things to get in order. Check. I was "supposed" to lose weight. 40 pounds gone. Check. Check. I had to find a provider who didn't treat me like...well, I've spent enough time venting about that. Triple check.
Now, I've been told to wait until I have a full time job in my field with better benefits. By well meaning people, mind you. But now I'm wondering if it's actually worth it. I have a job that pays my bills. I have insurance, although it could be a bit better because it seems NO ONE has a contract with them. I have a place to live with an extra bedroom. I have the option to move if I want to as well. I have family and friends who will stand behind me no matter what. And...I'm halfway through another Provera burst, which means AF will be showing herself shortly. Anyone who has TTC in this manner knows that means choices have to be made.
I became curious. I hopped online to research drugs. Freedom will ship me 1 Ovidrel syringe and 7 Femara tablets for the ULTRA LOW price of $106.50. I can handle that I suppose. I called Diamond and spoke to my IF nurse. She assured me that taking plan B during the previous cycle (another post there) would not interfere with my TTC in the next cycle. My insurance should cover my first ultrasound/follie check. If I need a second one, I'll probably end up with a bill. I can pick up my "juice" myself now, so no shipping costs there. $150 for the "big show" (they offer a decent discount if you pay cash that day).
I know the old saying goes that if you wait for the right time to have kids you will never have them. I'm getting to the point where I feel like I've waited long enough. What do you all think? Should I wait and see for another cycle or just say heck with it and go for it?
Saturday, May 25, 2013
BAM au trois, or, losing a gut to gain a gut....
And now, some more good news! If you are a new reader, you can reference back to my post entitled, "Get Over It...Grr..." if you want the background on this announcement. The short story is, I had a healthcare provider criticize me for my weight at the time because she was absolutely convinced I would develop GD or pre-eclampsia if I got pregnant weighing what I did. She actually advised me to go on a crash diet. After much feedback and support from all of you, I followed up with other medical professionals, including a medical endocrinologist. Well, after a few short months, my total weight loss as of yesterday is 30, yes THIRTY pounds!
Ok, I'll say it: "PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT BITCH!" No expensive craziness needed. Just treating my medical issues, and getting off my ass (well, I wasn't on it to begin with). Now, I'm not one to really focus on numbers. I'm wearing pants that are two sizes smaller than I was wearing this winter. I like what I see in the mirror. Of course, I see room for improvement, but I'm happy with how I look. But, for the sake of modern medical "wisdom," I will say that my research indicates that another 11 pounds will put me in the comfort zone for a primigravida desiring an out of hospital birth. Since I still have some time to play with, I will likely get there, although I am stubborn and persistent enough to make the delivery I want happen no matter what.
So, what has this meant for me in terms of fertility? I'm still not sure if I am ovulating. I can definetly tell that the signs are there in more full force. Last cycle, my sex drive increased BIG time right around what should have been THE TIME, if you catch my drift. I also had tons of EWCM and felt a distinctive pain in my right side while driving. I gave up on BBT a long time ago, but I did decide to check a few OPKs that I got on special (thank you Amazon). No surge picked up. There's also no point in paying for lab work if I'm not TTC. Now, I'm not very excited about these signs, because I have had them before. I also feel psuedo-O pains sometimes, because of the PCOS. When you ovulate, a cyst pops. Women with PCOS can feel cysts pop. I am optimistic only because of the INCREASE in signs.
My overall conclusion? I'm still not convinced weight and fertility go directly hand in hand. After all, weight and PCOS do not directly go hand in hand either. Like they told me in clinical research class: correlation does not automatically equal causation. People of all shapes and sizes have trouble conceiving. I've known women who weigh 120 pounds who needed to go the IVF route. I've also known women who weigh around 250 pounds get pregnant on the first try multiple times. Like H said once, it's a crapshoot.
In summation? I lost weight for me, not for any "expert." They may want to take credit for "motivating" me, but nearly everyone who knows me can attest that someone telling me to do something isn't a motivator for me. I am aware that some may say pre-pregnancy weight plays a major factor in what type of pregnancy and delivery the mother has, but also take into account that I had no other risk factors such as diabetes, high cholesterol, hypertension, etc. You know what "well meaning" medical professional? I will still probably need to order Femara from some well meaning Canadian pharmacist when the time comes. If I am lucky enough to conceive when I'm ready, I will probably have the same kind of pregnancy I would have had at my previous weight. For now, I'm simply going to enjoy my new body while I get to keep it. And, that's end of it. So there!
Ok, I'll say it: "PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT BITCH!" No expensive craziness needed. Just treating my medical issues, and getting off my ass (well, I wasn't on it to begin with). Now, I'm not one to really focus on numbers. I'm wearing pants that are two sizes smaller than I was wearing this winter. I like what I see in the mirror. Of course, I see room for improvement, but I'm happy with how I look. But, for the sake of modern medical "wisdom," I will say that my research indicates that another 11 pounds will put me in the comfort zone for a primigravida desiring an out of hospital birth. Since I still have some time to play with, I will likely get there, although I am stubborn and persistent enough to make the delivery I want happen no matter what.
So, what has this meant for me in terms of fertility? I'm still not sure if I am ovulating. I can definetly tell that the signs are there in more full force. Last cycle, my sex drive increased BIG time right around what should have been THE TIME, if you catch my drift. I also had tons of EWCM and felt a distinctive pain in my right side while driving. I gave up on BBT a long time ago, but I did decide to check a few OPKs that I got on special (thank you Amazon). No surge picked up. There's also no point in paying for lab work if I'm not TTC. Now, I'm not very excited about these signs, because I have had them before. I also feel psuedo-O pains sometimes, because of the PCOS. When you ovulate, a cyst pops. Women with PCOS can feel cysts pop. I am optimistic only because of the INCREASE in signs.
My overall conclusion? I'm still not convinced weight and fertility go directly hand in hand. After all, weight and PCOS do not directly go hand in hand either. Like they told me in clinical research class: correlation does not automatically equal causation. People of all shapes and sizes have trouble conceiving. I've known women who weigh 120 pounds who needed to go the IVF route. I've also known women who weigh around 250 pounds get pregnant on the first try multiple times. Like H said once, it's a crapshoot.
In summation? I lost weight for me, not for any "expert." They may want to take credit for "motivating" me, but nearly everyone who knows me can attest that someone telling me to do something isn't a motivator for me. I am aware that some may say pre-pregnancy weight plays a major factor in what type of pregnancy and delivery the mother has, but also take into account that I had no other risk factors such as diabetes, high cholesterol, hypertension, etc. You know what "well meaning" medical professional? I will still probably need to order Femara from some well meaning Canadian pharmacist when the time comes. If I am lucky enough to conceive when I'm ready, I will probably have the same kind of pregnancy I would have had at my previous weight. For now, I'm simply going to enjoy my new body while I get to keep it. And, that's end of it. So there!
BAM au deaux....
Heeellllooooo my lovely cyber friends! It's your Riveting Mama here, happy to make some exciting announcements! Nope, not THAT one! Heh....
You may have noticed my absence lately. Well, school has ended, which brought on THE BOARDS!!! Allow me to explain how this works. There are two nationally regulated exams I have to pass in order to start practicing; a practical and a written. My practical exam was last Saturday, May 11th. I showed up to school with six other classmates at 8am. Although he was not allowed anywhere near the testing area, my main instructor was waiting with breakfast for all of us and to provide us support. What a sweetie, right? So, they pick out eight assesments/skill demonstrations at random for us to complete. We have to pass all of them to move on to the written exam. We do know what type of situation we will be getting into before hand, but we don't get to know the specifics. I entered the first station. Spinal injury and bloody guy in hypoperfusion (shock). Easy. Then, came the two big ones: general medical and trauma. My medical patient was a person who was having trouble breathing, but he was kind enough not to stop breathing while I was treating him. Again, sweet! Then, I went into trauma. I actually felt pretty good going in. I've always done well in this area. I entered the room and was told my patient was ejected 60 feet from a car that was just involved in a motor vehicle collision. He's doesn't appear conscious, is made up to look like death warmed over, and his leg is in a most unnatural position (well, as unnatural as it could be without really being broken :). I have 10 minutes to treat him and get him to definitive care. It's actually not as complicated as it sounds. The key with trauma is prioritizing. Step back and say, "What will kill my patient in the next 5 minutes? 15 minutes? 30 minutes?" Then treat the concerns in that order.
This would have gone so much better if my proctor hadn't been a f*cking idiot. The test works like this: I assess and treat my psuedo-patient like I would a real one. As I move along, the proctor gives me feedback about what I'm supposed to be encoutering. For example, when I examined a part of the guy's obvioiusly broken leg, the examiner tells me when the guy is responding to pain (tib/fib fracture for anyone who cares). As I was assessing my patient, the proctor kept giving me the wrong information. I'd ask for rate of breathing, he'd giver me a pulse. Twice. I'm examining an arm, he's giving me feedback on a leg. My hands are on the back of the head, and this nut job is talking about his pupils. I'm treating flail chest, and he's talking about the guy's abdomen. It got to the point where the proctor who was acting as my patient sat up and told him that he was screwing up big time. And then, he's stopping me and asking me what intervention I performed for such and such like he couldn't remember. So, what happened? I ran out of time. And, so did three other people. Fortunately, we got to re-do it with a new proctor and we all passed! We would have anyways, since we are allowed to re-test up to three that day, but yeah...I was glad I could drink when we all went out to celebrate afterwards!
Apparently, my school is really on it, at least in some respects, because my authorization to test letter was electronically sent to me that night. I logged onto the Pearson website (they are the company that administers, like, EVERY professional test in existence), and they happened to have an opening the following Tuesday morning. I figured, if I don't know what I need to by now, I won't learn it in the near future. So, I took the appointment. When I arrived, it was kind of like being processed into a military establishment of some kind. I couldn't bring anything in with me except two forms of ID. I was searched, fingerprinted, and photographed. My prints were also scanned before I could enter the testing room and after I finished and was allowed to leave. I know, right? Back in the day, you sat down with a paper test. If you got more than such and such % of the questions correct, you passed. Not anymore. Now, you take the test on a computer. Google CAT testing if you want to see how it works. The computer pulls test questions from a database of thousands of questions. The questions asked are at varying levels of difficulty. The computer is interested at what level the tester can answer questions correctly. So, as you test, the questions will get easier or more difficult depending on how you answer. When the computerized "Man Behind the Curtain" determines that no matter how many questions he asks you, you will continue to perform at an acceptable level, or that you will continue to bomb it, the test stops. You don't know how you did, you're just told, "Thank you and good-bye." Mine shut off on or around question 78. I felt like I failed, but then again, the thing was designed so I would get half of the questions wrong anyways. If that doesn't mess with your head, nothing will. When I got to my car, I pulled my phone out of the glove box and googled the ammount of questions most people had the test stop at (I know, I know). The first search option was 70. Apparently, about 60% of people who have it stop there pass. It still didn't make me feel any better. So, I went home and refreshed the website every 30 minutes (ok, more like 20). At 3:30, I got a message of congratulations.
After that, things moved fairly quickly. My card arrived on Friday morning. Since I had already applied for licensure with the state, I just faxed it over to them. I received word this morning that I was licensed. I have spent the majority of the day tweaking my resume and applying for jobs. Granted I have 10 years of healthcare experience, and five of social services experience (I worked in two fields at the same time), but I've never practiced in this role before. My hope is to enter a job with a larger, more stable company that offers decent benefits before adding an addition to my family. I've wanted to change my career focus for awhile now, and I'm really glad I waited for this step to be complete. Eventually, I will want an advanced degree, but I'm fine with becoming a mother before that happens. Like I've said, I have my whole life to do most of the other things I want to do. So, it's onward and upward for me!
Oh yeah, I received an email yesterday telling me that the national registry wants me to provide feedback on my testing experience. I'm not sure that they could handle my feedback so I declined. Ok, ladies, I'm reading all of your blogs/posts and will be commenting soon! Let me know how you are all doing! I feel like I've missed so much, and really, it hasn't been that long at all. Cheers! ~K
You may have noticed my absence lately. Well, school has ended, which brought on THE BOARDS!!! Allow me to explain how this works. There are two nationally regulated exams I have to pass in order to start practicing; a practical and a written. My practical exam was last Saturday, May 11th. I showed up to school with six other classmates at 8am. Although he was not allowed anywhere near the testing area, my main instructor was waiting with breakfast for all of us and to provide us support. What a sweetie, right? So, they pick out eight assesments/skill demonstrations at random for us to complete. We have to pass all of them to move on to the written exam. We do know what type of situation we will be getting into before hand, but we don't get to know the specifics. I entered the first station. Spinal injury and bloody guy in hypoperfusion (shock). Easy. Then, came the two big ones: general medical and trauma. My medical patient was a person who was having trouble breathing, but he was kind enough not to stop breathing while I was treating him. Again, sweet! Then, I went into trauma. I actually felt pretty good going in. I've always done well in this area. I entered the room and was told my patient was ejected 60 feet from a car that was just involved in a motor vehicle collision. He's doesn't appear conscious, is made up to look like death warmed over, and his leg is in a most unnatural position (well, as unnatural as it could be without really being broken :). I have 10 minutes to treat him and get him to definitive care. It's actually not as complicated as it sounds. The key with trauma is prioritizing. Step back and say, "What will kill my patient in the next 5 minutes? 15 minutes? 30 minutes?" Then treat the concerns in that order.
This would have gone so much better if my proctor hadn't been a f*cking idiot. The test works like this: I assess and treat my psuedo-patient like I would a real one. As I move along, the proctor gives me feedback about what I'm supposed to be encoutering. For example, when I examined a part of the guy's obvioiusly broken leg, the examiner tells me when the guy is responding to pain (tib/fib fracture for anyone who cares). As I was assessing my patient, the proctor kept giving me the wrong information. I'd ask for rate of breathing, he'd giver me a pulse. Twice. I'm examining an arm, he's giving me feedback on a leg. My hands are on the back of the head, and this nut job is talking about his pupils. I'm treating flail chest, and he's talking about the guy's abdomen. It got to the point where the proctor who was acting as my patient sat up and told him that he was screwing up big time. And then, he's stopping me and asking me what intervention I performed for such and such like he couldn't remember. So, what happened? I ran out of time. And, so did three other people. Fortunately, we got to re-do it with a new proctor and we all passed! We would have anyways, since we are allowed to re-test up to three that day, but yeah...I was glad I could drink when we all went out to celebrate afterwards!
Apparently, my school is really on it, at least in some respects, because my authorization to test letter was electronically sent to me that night. I logged onto the Pearson website (they are the company that administers, like, EVERY professional test in existence), and they happened to have an opening the following Tuesday morning. I figured, if I don't know what I need to by now, I won't learn it in the near future. So, I took the appointment. When I arrived, it was kind of like being processed into a military establishment of some kind. I couldn't bring anything in with me except two forms of ID. I was searched, fingerprinted, and photographed. My prints were also scanned before I could enter the testing room and after I finished and was allowed to leave. I know, right? Back in the day, you sat down with a paper test. If you got more than such and such % of the questions correct, you passed. Not anymore. Now, you take the test on a computer. Google CAT testing if you want to see how it works. The computer pulls test questions from a database of thousands of questions. The questions asked are at varying levels of difficulty. The computer is interested at what level the tester can answer questions correctly. So, as you test, the questions will get easier or more difficult depending on how you answer. When the computerized "Man Behind the Curtain" determines that no matter how many questions he asks you, you will continue to perform at an acceptable level, or that you will continue to bomb it, the test stops. You don't know how you did, you're just told, "Thank you and good-bye." Mine shut off on or around question 78. I felt like I failed, but then again, the thing was designed so I would get half of the questions wrong anyways. If that doesn't mess with your head, nothing will. When I got to my car, I pulled my phone out of the glove box and googled the ammount of questions most people had the test stop at (I know, I know). The first search option was 70. Apparently, about 60% of people who have it stop there pass. It still didn't make me feel any better. So, I went home and refreshed the website every 30 minutes (ok, more like 20). At 3:30, I got a message of congratulations.
After that, things moved fairly quickly. My card arrived on Friday morning. Since I had already applied for licensure with the state, I just faxed it over to them. I received word this morning that I was licensed. I have spent the majority of the day tweaking my resume and applying for jobs. Granted I have 10 years of healthcare experience, and five of social services experience (I worked in two fields at the same time), but I've never practiced in this role before. My hope is to enter a job with a larger, more stable company that offers decent benefits before adding an addition to my family. I've wanted to change my career focus for awhile now, and I'm really glad I waited for this step to be complete. Eventually, I will want an advanced degree, but I'm fine with becoming a mother before that happens. Like I've said, I have my whole life to do most of the other things I want to do. So, it's onward and upward for me!
Oh yeah, I received an email yesterday telling me that the national registry wants me to provide feedback on my testing experience. I'm not sure that they could handle my feedback so I declined. Ok, ladies, I'm reading all of your blogs/posts and will be commenting soon! Let me know how you are all doing! I feel like I've missed so much, and really, it hasn't been that long at all. Cheers! ~K
Monday, May 6, 2013
Sweet!
I haven't been very hush hush about my extreme disappointment over the fact that my chosen cryobank has refused to let me pick up my "juice" from the facility, which is 10 minutes from my house. It makes absolutely no sense that I have to pay $100 to have someone drive such a short distance. I expressed my extreme disappointment with this (I mean, it is MY property after all) on many occasions, including interviews I have been a part of. Well, I got an email this morning saying that they are now allowing pick ups with a 7-day storage tank. Sweet! One less thing to pay for! I'm sure I had nothing to do with it, but still, maybe my bitchiness helped in around 0.009% of the decision making process *wink, wink*. Have a fabulous afternoon my dears!
Sunday, May 5, 2013
So, I've got something to tell you....
I should be completing my mass casualty incident training online right about now, but I'm feeling a little stir crazy. I have one week of school to go, and I just want to be done already!!! So, I'm taking a break to open the windows and talk to you, my online comrades! Ok, here's a topic that a lot of SMCs and SMCs in the making have had to tackle: when and how do you tell a someone or a potential someone about your TTC plans? This of course is different than when you are a single parent, which brings its own set of challenges altogether.
I have been writing lately about how I wouldn't be opposed to dating the right guy if he were to come along. Well, lately, there have been a couple of men that I have felt a connection with. And, like I told one of them, I didn't want to miss out on a good thing because I was too afraid to try, even given my circumstances. But, it doesn't always go as planned. For example: one of them was a friend of a friend. We had known each other for a few months, and I initially put my crush on hold because of my TTC plans. But, after some reflection, I decided to give it a shot. So, I started to drop some not-so-subtle hints that I was interested. Not like me at all, btw. I'm more of a school-girl crush type. Then one night, we were out with mutual friends, and he was acting kind of strange. A friend told me that he figured out my plans, and doesn't want kids. Now, I'm the type of person who likes direct communication. So, I took him aside and laid it out there. It went something like this:
Me: "So, I've been told that you are aware of certain plans of mine. I wanted to talk to you about it myself, instead of you learning more about it someone else."
Him: "Oh?" (Not helping: see below).
Me: "I mean my plans to have a child on my own."
Him: "WHAT?!?!?!?" (Shocked look on face, hands running through hair).
Me: "Wait, you didn't know?"
Him: "Uh, no."
Yeah, oops about covers it. So, actually, he didn't know. And this, children, is why you never believe what others tell you until you know for sure yourself. Well, he was very supportive of my decision, but, he doesn't want children of his own. I considered having a fling with him anyways, but then decided against it for a variety of reasons. He has a lot of his own things going on and, even though I will not be TTC for at least a couple of months, a child will eventually become part of the picture one way or another. So, he's going to stay a good friend. And, I'm ok with that.
But, another part of this conversation brings up a good point:
Me: "Well, this was in motion long before I ever met you. And, I wasn't really looking for anyone when I did. I just want to let you know that I'm not trying to mix you up in this. I'm not looking for someone to father my child or take care of a child that doesn't belong to him."
Him: "I never would have thought that about you. That never crossed my mind."
Ok, but do men seriously think of these things? Was he being polite, or was he serious? I know as a whole, this is not the typical SMC agenda. We choose to be SMCs, not "baby mommas", for a reason. I know I don't need to say this for the benefit of any SMC readers, but for everyone else, let me say that if I really didn't care where my baby came from, I would have simply counted to 13, gone to a bar, and saved the large quantity of money I'd already spent. But, do men really get that? I've dated guys with children before, and their co-parenting situations were never ideal for them or for their children. Their view of women was skewed to the point where they didn't trust many of them anymore. These were the guys that brought up birth control before I ever did. The relationships ended for reasons that had nothing to do with their children. In fact, one of the hardest parts was saying good-bye to the kids. It makes me think. And, so what if I had a child with an ex-partner, as I nearly did once? (The father of my child had no offspring, btw). How does that automatically make me any less of a mother or a human being for that matter? I never thought twice about being with a man who had children before he met me, regardless of the circumstances. Why are all single moms lumped into the same category of being just "baby mommas?" Can't we just be moms? And, are there men out there that understand that?
Just some food for thought on this nice spring day. I'd love to hear from all of you. How did dating while TTC work out, if you chose to try it? Am I really paranoid, or do you think there's some truth to my thoughts?
I have been writing lately about how I wouldn't be opposed to dating the right guy if he were to come along. Well, lately, there have been a couple of men that I have felt a connection with. And, like I told one of them, I didn't want to miss out on a good thing because I was too afraid to try, even given my circumstances. But, it doesn't always go as planned. For example: one of them was a friend of a friend. We had known each other for a few months, and I initially put my crush on hold because of my TTC plans. But, after some reflection, I decided to give it a shot. So, I started to drop some not-so-subtle hints that I was interested. Not like me at all, btw. I'm more of a school-girl crush type. Then one night, we were out with mutual friends, and he was acting kind of strange. A friend told me that he figured out my plans, and doesn't want kids. Now, I'm the type of person who likes direct communication. So, I took him aside and laid it out there. It went something like this:
Me: "So, I've been told that you are aware of certain plans of mine. I wanted to talk to you about it myself, instead of you learning more about it someone else."
Him: "Oh?" (Not helping: see below).
Me: "I mean my plans to have a child on my own."
Him: "WHAT?!?!?!?" (Shocked look on face, hands running through hair).
Me: "Wait, you didn't know?"
Him: "Uh, no."
Yeah, oops about covers it. So, actually, he didn't know. And this, children, is why you never believe what others tell you until you know for sure yourself. Well, he was very supportive of my decision, but, he doesn't want children of his own. I considered having a fling with him anyways, but then decided against it for a variety of reasons. He has a lot of his own things going on and, even though I will not be TTC for at least a couple of months, a child will eventually become part of the picture one way or another. So, he's going to stay a good friend. And, I'm ok with that.
But, another part of this conversation brings up a good point:
Me: "Well, this was in motion long before I ever met you. And, I wasn't really looking for anyone when I did. I just want to let you know that I'm not trying to mix you up in this. I'm not looking for someone to father my child or take care of a child that doesn't belong to him."
Him: "I never would have thought that about you. That never crossed my mind."
Ok, but do men seriously think of these things? Was he being polite, or was he serious? I know as a whole, this is not the typical SMC agenda. We choose to be SMCs, not "baby mommas", for a reason. I know I don't need to say this for the benefit of any SMC readers, but for everyone else, let me say that if I really didn't care where my baby came from, I would have simply counted to 13, gone to a bar, and saved the large quantity of money I'd already spent. But, do men really get that? I've dated guys with children before, and their co-parenting situations were never ideal for them or for their children. Their view of women was skewed to the point where they didn't trust many of them anymore. These were the guys that brought up birth control before I ever did. The relationships ended for reasons that had nothing to do with their children. In fact, one of the hardest parts was saying good-bye to the kids. It makes me think. And, so what if I had a child with an ex-partner, as I nearly did once? (The father of my child had no offspring, btw). How does that automatically make me any less of a mother or a human being for that matter? I never thought twice about being with a man who had children before he met me, regardless of the circumstances. Why are all single moms lumped into the same category of being just "baby mommas?" Can't we just be moms? And, are there men out there that understand that?
Just some food for thought on this nice spring day. I'd love to hear from all of you. How did dating while TTC work out, if you chose to try it? Am I really paranoid, or do you think there's some truth to my thoughts?
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