And now, some more good news! If you are a new reader, you can reference back to my post entitled, "Get Over It...Grr..." if you want the background on this announcement. The short story is, I had a healthcare provider criticize me for my weight at the time because she was absolutely convinced I would develop GD or pre-eclampsia if I got pregnant weighing what I did. She actually advised me to go on a crash diet. After much feedback and support from all of you, I followed up with other medical professionals, including a medical endocrinologist. Well, after a few short months, my total weight loss as of yesterday is 30, yes THIRTY pounds!
Ok, I'll say it: "PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT BITCH!" No expensive craziness needed. Just treating my medical issues, and getting off my ass (well, I wasn't on it to begin with). Now, I'm not one to really focus on numbers. I'm wearing pants that are two sizes smaller than I was wearing this winter. I like what I see in the mirror. Of course, I see room for improvement, but I'm happy with how I look. But, for the sake of modern medical "wisdom," I will say that my research indicates that another 11 pounds will put me in the comfort zone for a primigravida desiring an out of hospital birth. Since I still have some time to play with, I will likely get there, although I am stubborn and persistent enough to make the delivery I want happen no matter what.
So, what has this meant for me in terms of fertility? I'm still not sure if I am ovulating. I can definetly tell that the signs are there in more full force. Last cycle, my sex drive increased BIG time right around what should have been THE TIME, if you catch my drift. I also had tons of EWCM and felt a distinctive pain in my right side while driving. I gave up on BBT a long time ago, but I did decide to check a few OPKs that I got on special (thank you Amazon). No surge picked up. There's also no point in paying for lab work if I'm not TTC. Now, I'm not very excited about these signs, because I have had them before. I also feel psuedo-O pains sometimes, because of the PCOS. When you ovulate, a cyst pops. Women with PCOS can feel cysts pop. I am optimistic only because of the INCREASE in signs.
My overall conclusion? I'm still not convinced weight and fertility go directly hand in hand. After all, weight and PCOS do not directly go hand in hand either. Like they told me in clinical research class: correlation does not automatically equal causation. People of all shapes and sizes have trouble conceiving. I've known women who weigh 120 pounds who needed to go the IVF route. I've also known women who weigh around 250 pounds get pregnant on the first try multiple times. Like H said once, it's a crapshoot.
In summation? I lost weight for me, not for any "expert." They may want to take credit for "motivating" me, but nearly everyone who knows me can attest that someone telling me to do something isn't a motivator for me. I am aware that some may say pre-pregnancy weight plays a major factor in what type of pregnancy and delivery the mother has, but also take into account that I had no other risk factors such as diabetes, high cholesterol, hypertension, etc. You know what "well meaning" medical professional? I will still probably need to order Femara from some well meaning Canadian pharmacist when the time comes. If I am lucky enough to conceive when I'm ready, I will probably have the same kind of pregnancy I would have had at my previous weight. For now, I'm simply going to enjoy my new body while I get to keep it. And, that's end of it. So there!
Saturday, May 25, 2013
BAM au deaux....
Heeellllooooo my lovely cyber friends! It's your Riveting Mama here, happy to make some exciting announcements! Nope, not THAT one! Heh....
You may have noticed my absence lately. Well, school has ended, which brought on THE BOARDS!!! Allow me to explain how this works. There are two nationally regulated exams I have to pass in order to start practicing; a practical and a written. My practical exam was last Saturday, May 11th. I showed up to school with six other classmates at 8am. Although he was not allowed anywhere near the testing area, my main instructor was waiting with breakfast for all of us and to provide us support. What a sweetie, right? So, they pick out eight assesments/skill demonstrations at random for us to complete. We have to pass all of them to move on to the written exam. We do know what type of situation we will be getting into before hand, but we don't get to know the specifics. I entered the first station. Spinal injury and bloody guy in hypoperfusion (shock). Easy. Then, came the two big ones: general medical and trauma. My medical patient was a person who was having trouble breathing, but he was kind enough not to stop breathing while I was treating him. Again, sweet! Then, I went into trauma. I actually felt pretty good going in. I've always done well in this area. I entered the room and was told my patient was ejected 60 feet from a car that was just involved in a motor vehicle collision. He's doesn't appear conscious, is made up to look like death warmed over, and his leg is in a most unnatural position (well, as unnatural as it could be without really being broken :). I have 10 minutes to treat him and get him to definitive care. It's actually not as complicated as it sounds. The key with trauma is prioritizing. Step back and say, "What will kill my patient in the next 5 minutes? 15 minutes? 30 minutes?" Then treat the concerns in that order.
This would have gone so much better if my proctor hadn't been a f*cking idiot. The test works like this: I assess and treat my psuedo-patient like I would a real one. As I move along, the proctor gives me feedback about what I'm supposed to be encoutering. For example, when I examined a part of the guy's obvioiusly broken leg, the examiner tells me when the guy is responding to pain (tib/fib fracture for anyone who cares). As I was assessing my patient, the proctor kept giving me the wrong information. I'd ask for rate of breathing, he'd giver me a pulse. Twice. I'm examining an arm, he's giving me feedback on a leg. My hands are on the back of the head, and this nut job is talking about his pupils. I'm treating flail chest, and he's talking about the guy's abdomen. It got to the point where the proctor who was acting as my patient sat up and told him that he was screwing up big time. And then, he's stopping me and asking me what intervention I performed for such and such like he couldn't remember. So, what happened? I ran out of time. And, so did three other people. Fortunately, we got to re-do it with a new proctor and we all passed! We would have anyways, since we are allowed to re-test up to three that day, but yeah...I was glad I could drink when we all went out to celebrate afterwards!
Apparently, my school is really on it, at least in some respects, because my authorization to test letter was electronically sent to me that night. I logged onto the Pearson website (they are the company that administers, like, EVERY professional test in existence), and they happened to have an opening the following Tuesday morning. I figured, if I don't know what I need to by now, I won't learn it in the near future. So, I took the appointment. When I arrived, it was kind of like being processed into a military establishment of some kind. I couldn't bring anything in with me except two forms of ID. I was searched, fingerprinted, and photographed. My prints were also scanned before I could enter the testing room and after I finished and was allowed to leave. I know, right? Back in the day, you sat down with a paper test. If you got more than such and such % of the questions correct, you passed. Not anymore. Now, you take the test on a computer. Google CAT testing if you want to see how it works. The computer pulls test questions from a database of thousands of questions. The questions asked are at varying levels of difficulty. The computer is interested at what level the tester can answer questions correctly. So, as you test, the questions will get easier or more difficult depending on how you answer. When the computerized "Man Behind the Curtain" determines that no matter how many questions he asks you, you will continue to perform at an acceptable level, or that you will continue to bomb it, the test stops. You don't know how you did, you're just told, "Thank you and good-bye." Mine shut off on or around question 78. I felt like I failed, but then again, the thing was designed so I would get half of the questions wrong anyways. If that doesn't mess with your head, nothing will. When I got to my car, I pulled my phone out of the glove box and googled the ammount of questions most people had the test stop at (I know, I know). The first search option was 70. Apparently, about 60% of people who have it stop there pass. It still didn't make me feel any better. So, I went home and refreshed the website every 30 minutes (ok, more like 20). At 3:30, I got a message of congratulations.
After that, things moved fairly quickly. My card arrived on Friday morning. Since I had already applied for licensure with the state, I just faxed it over to them. I received word this morning that I was licensed. I have spent the majority of the day tweaking my resume and applying for jobs. Granted I have 10 years of healthcare experience, and five of social services experience (I worked in two fields at the same time), but I've never practiced in this role before. My hope is to enter a job with a larger, more stable company that offers decent benefits before adding an addition to my family. I've wanted to change my career focus for awhile now, and I'm really glad I waited for this step to be complete. Eventually, I will want an advanced degree, but I'm fine with becoming a mother before that happens. Like I've said, I have my whole life to do most of the other things I want to do. So, it's onward and upward for me!
Oh yeah, I received an email yesterday telling me that the national registry wants me to provide feedback on my testing experience. I'm not sure that they could handle my feedback so I declined. Ok, ladies, I'm reading all of your blogs/posts and will be commenting soon! Let me know how you are all doing! I feel like I've missed so much, and really, it hasn't been that long at all. Cheers! ~K
You may have noticed my absence lately. Well, school has ended, which brought on THE BOARDS!!! Allow me to explain how this works. There are two nationally regulated exams I have to pass in order to start practicing; a practical and a written. My practical exam was last Saturday, May 11th. I showed up to school with six other classmates at 8am. Although he was not allowed anywhere near the testing area, my main instructor was waiting with breakfast for all of us and to provide us support. What a sweetie, right? So, they pick out eight assesments/skill demonstrations at random for us to complete. We have to pass all of them to move on to the written exam. We do know what type of situation we will be getting into before hand, but we don't get to know the specifics. I entered the first station. Spinal injury and bloody guy in hypoperfusion (shock). Easy. Then, came the two big ones: general medical and trauma. My medical patient was a person who was having trouble breathing, but he was kind enough not to stop breathing while I was treating him. Again, sweet! Then, I went into trauma. I actually felt pretty good going in. I've always done well in this area. I entered the room and was told my patient was ejected 60 feet from a car that was just involved in a motor vehicle collision. He's doesn't appear conscious, is made up to look like death warmed over, and his leg is in a most unnatural position (well, as unnatural as it could be without really being broken :). I have 10 minutes to treat him and get him to definitive care. It's actually not as complicated as it sounds. The key with trauma is prioritizing. Step back and say, "What will kill my patient in the next 5 minutes? 15 minutes? 30 minutes?" Then treat the concerns in that order.
This would have gone so much better if my proctor hadn't been a f*cking idiot. The test works like this: I assess and treat my psuedo-patient like I would a real one. As I move along, the proctor gives me feedback about what I'm supposed to be encoutering. For example, when I examined a part of the guy's obvioiusly broken leg, the examiner tells me when the guy is responding to pain (tib/fib fracture for anyone who cares). As I was assessing my patient, the proctor kept giving me the wrong information. I'd ask for rate of breathing, he'd giver me a pulse. Twice. I'm examining an arm, he's giving me feedback on a leg. My hands are on the back of the head, and this nut job is talking about his pupils. I'm treating flail chest, and he's talking about the guy's abdomen. It got to the point where the proctor who was acting as my patient sat up and told him that he was screwing up big time. And then, he's stopping me and asking me what intervention I performed for such and such like he couldn't remember. So, what happened? I ran out of time. And, so did three other people. Fortunately, we got to re-do it with a new proctor and we all passed! We would have anyways, since we are allowed to re-test up to three that day, but yeah...I was glad I could drink when we all went out to celebrate afterwards!
Apparently, my school is really on it, at least in some respects, because my authorization to test letter was electronically sent to me that night. I logged onto the Pearson website (they are the company that administers, like, EVERY professional test in existence), and they happened to have an opening the following Tuesday morning. I figured, if I don't know what I need to by now, I won't learn it in the near future. So, I took the appointment. When I arrived, it was kind of like being processed into a military establishment of some kind. I couldn't bring anything in with me except two forms of ID. I was searched, fingerprinted, and photographed. My prints were also scanned before I could enter the testing room and after I finished and was allowed to leave. I know, right? Back in the day, you sat down with a paper test. If you got more than such and such % of the questions correct, you passed. Not anymore. Now, you take the test on a computer. Google CAT testing if you want to see how it works. The computer pulls test questions from a database of thousands of questions. The questions asked are at varying levels of difficulty. The computer is interested at what level the tester can answer questions correctly. So, as you test, the questions will get easier or more difficult depending on how you answer. When the computerized "Man Behind the Curtain" determines that no matter how many questions he asks you, you will continue to perform at an acceptable level, or that you will continue to bomb it, the test stops. You don't know how you did, you're just told, "Thank you and good-bye." Mine shut off on or around question 78. I felt like I failed, but then again, the thing was designed so I would get half of the questions wrong anyways. If that doesn't mess with your head, nothing will. When I got to my car, I pulled my phone out of the glove box and googled the ammount of questions most people had the test stop at (I know, I know). The first search option was 70. Apparently, about 60% of people who have it stop there pass. It still didn't make me feel any better. So, I went home and refreshed the website every 30 minutes (ok, more like 20). At 3:30, I got a message of congratulations.
After that, things moved fairly quickly. My card arrived on Friday morning. Since I had already applied for licensure with the state, I just faxed it over to them. I received word this morning that I was licensed. I have spent the majority of the day tweaking my resume and applying for jobs. Granted I have 10 years of healthcare experience, and five of social services experience (I worked in two fields at the same time), but I've never practiced in this role before. My hope is to enter a job with a larger, more stable company that offers decent benefits before adding an addition to my family. I've wanted to change my career focus for awhile now, and I'm really glad I waited for this step to be complete. Eventually, I will want an advanced degree, but I'm fine with becoming a mother before that happens. Like I've said, I have my whole life to do most of the other things I want to do. So, it's onward and upward for me!
Oh yeah, I received an email yesterday telling me that the national registry wants me to provide feedback on my testing experience. I'm not sure that they could handle my feedback so I declined. Ok, ladies, I'm reading all of your blogs/posts and will be commenting soon! Let me know how you are all doing! I feel like I've missed so much, and really, it hasn't been that long at all. Cheers! ~K
Monday, May 6, 2013
Sweet!
I haven't been very hush hush about my extreme disappointment over the fact that my chosen cryobank has refused to let me pick up my "juice" from the facility, which is 10 minutes from my house. It makes absolutely no sense that I have to pay $100 to have someone drive such a short distance. I expressed my extreme disappointment with this (I mean, it is MY property after all) on many occasions, including interviews I have been a part of. Well, I got an email this morning saying that they are now allowing pick ups with a 7-day storage tank. Sweet! One less thing to pay for! I'm sure I had nothing to do with it, but still, maybe my bitchiness helped in around 0.009% of the decision making process *wink, wink*. Have a fabulous afternoon my dears!
Sunday, May 5, 2013
So, I've got something to tell you....
I should be completing my mass casualty incident training online right about now, but I'm feeling a little stir crazy. I have one week of school to go, and I just want to be done already!!! So, I'm taking a break to open the windows and talk to you, my online comrades! Ok, here's a topic that a lot of SMCs and SMCs in the making have had to tackle: when and how do you tell a someone or a potential someone about your TTC plans? This of course is different than when you are a single parent, which brings its own set of challenges altogether.
I have been writing lately about how I wouldn't be opposed to dating the right guy if he were to come along. Well, lately, there have been a couple of men that I have felt a connection with. And, like I told one of them, I didn't want to miss out on a good thing because I was too afraid to try, even given my circumstances. But, it doesn't always go as planned. For example: one of them was a friend of a friend. We had known each other for a few months, and I initially put my crush on hold because of my TTC plans. But, after some reflection, I decided to give it a shot. So, I started to drop some not-so-subtle hints that I was interested. Not like me at all, btw. I'm more of a school-girl crush type. Then one night, we were out with mutual friends, and he was acting kind of strange. A friend told me that he figured out my plans, and doesn't want kids. Now, I'm the type of person who likes direct communication. So, I took him aside and laid it out there. It went something like this:
Me: "So, I've been told that you are aware of certain plans of mine. I wanted to talk to you about it myself, instead of you learning more about it someone else."
Him: "Oh?" (Not helping: see below).
Me: "I mean my plans to have a child on my own."
Him: "WHAT?!?!?!?" (Shocked look on face, hands running through hair).
Me: "Wait, you didn't know?"
Him: "Uh, no."
Yeah, oops about covers it. So, actually, he didn't know. And this, children, is why you never believe what others tell you until you know for sure yourself. Well, he was very supportive of my decision, but, he doesn't want children of his own. I considered having a fling with him anyways, but then decided against it for a variety of reasons. He has a lot of his own things going on and, even though I will not be TTC for at least a couple of months, a child will eventually become part of the picture one way or another. So, he's going to stay a good friend. And, I'm ok with that.
But, another part of this conversation brings up a good point:
Me: "Well, this was in motion long before I ever met you. And, I wasn't really looking for anyone when I did. I just want to let you know that I'm not trying to mix you up in this. I'm not looking for someone to father my child or take care of a child that doesn't belong to him."
Him: "I never would have thought that about you. That never crossed my mind."
Ok, but do men seriously think of these things? Was he being polite, or was he serious? I know as a whole, this is not the typical SMC agenda. We choose to be SMCs, not "baby mommas", for a reason. I know I don't need to say this for the benefit of any SMC readers, but for everyone else, let me say that if I really didn't care where my baby came from, I would have simply counted to 13, gone to a bar, and saved the large quantity of money I'd already spent. But, do men really get that? I've dated guys with children before, and their co-parenting situations were never ideal for them or for their children. Their view of women was skewed to the point where they didn't trust many of them anymore. These were the guys that brought up birth control before I ever did. The relationships ended for reasons that had nothing to do with their children. In fact, one of the hardest parts was saying good-bye to the kids. It makes me think. And, so what if I had a child with an ex-partner, as I nearly did once? (The father of my child had no offspring, btw). How does that automatically make me any less of a mother or a human being for that matter? I never thought twice about being with a man who had children before he met me, regardless of the circumstances. Why are all single moms lumped into the same category of being just "baby mommas?" Can't we just be moms? And, are there men out there that understand that?
Just some food for thought on this nice spring day. I'd love to hear from all of you. How did dating while TTC work out, if you chose to try it? Am I really paranoid, or do you think there's some truth to my thoughts?
I have been writing lately about how I wouldn't be opposed to dating the right guy if he were to come along. Well, lately, there have been a couple of men that I have felt a connection with. And, like I told one of them, I didn't want to miss out on a good thing because I was too afraid to try, even given my circumstances. But, it doesn't always go as planned. For example: one of them was a friend of a friend. We had known each other for a few months, and I initially put my crush on hold because of my TTC plans. But, after some reflection, I decided to give it a shot. So, I started to drop some not-so-subtle hints that I was interested. Not like me at all, btw. I'm more of a school-girl crush type. Then one night, we were out with mutual friends, and he was acting kind of strange. A friend told me that he figured out my plans, and doesn't want kids. Now, I'm the type of person who likes direct communication. So, I took him aside and laid it out there. It went something like this:
Me: "So, I've been told that you are aware of certain plans of mine. I wanted to talk to you about it myself, instead of you learning more about it someone else."
Him: "Oh?" (Not helping: see below).
Me: "I mean my plans to have a child on my own."
Him: "WHAT?!?!?!?" (Shocked look on face, hands running through hair).
Me: "Wait, you didn't know?"
Him: "Uh, no."
Yeah, oops about covers it. So, actually, he didn't know. And this, children, is why you never believe what others tell you until you know for sure yourself. Well, he was very supportive of my decision, but, he doesn't want children of his own. I considered having a fling with him anyways, but then decided against it for a variety of reasons. He has a lot of his own things going on and, even though I will not be TTC for at least a couple of months, a child will eventually become part of the picture one way or another. So, he's going to stay a good friend. And, I'm ok with that.
But, another part of this conversation brings up a good point:
Me: "Well, this was in motion long before I ever met you. And, I wasn't really looking for anyone when I did. I just want to let you know that I'm not trying to mix you up in this. I'm not looking for someone to father my child or take care of a child that doesn't belong to him."
Him: "I never would have thought that about you. That never crossed my mind."
Ok, but do men seriously think of these things? Was he being polite, or was he serious? I know as a whole, this is not the typical SMC agenda. We choose to be SMCs, not "baby mommas", for a reason. I know I don't need to say this for the benefit of any SMC readers, but for everyone else, let me say that if I really didn't care where my baby came from, I would have simply counted to 13, gone to a bar, and saved the large quantity of money I'd already spent. But, do men really get that? I've dated guys with children before, and their co-parenting situations were never ideal for them or for their children. Their view of women was skewed to the point where they didn't trust many of them anymore. These were the guys that brought up birth control before I ever did. The relationships ended for reasons that had nothing to do with their children. In fact, one of the hardest parts was saying good-bye to the kids. It makes me think. And, so what if I had a child with an ex-partner, as I nearly did once? (The father of my child had no offspring, btw). How does that automatically make me any less of a mother or a human being for that matter? I never thought twice about being with a man who had children before he met me, regardless of the circumstances. Why are all single moms lumped into the same category of being just "baby mommas?" Can't we just be moms? And, are there men out there that understand that?
Just some food for thought on this nice spring day. I'd love to hear from all of you. How did dating while TTC work out, if you chose to try it? Am I really paranoid, or do you think there's some truth to my thoughts?
Monday, April 22, 2013
Finally!
This last Provera burst was KILLER!! And, not in a good way either. I don't know why, but it seems that every time I do it, the effects seem to get worse. I have spent the last two weeks simply wiped. Sheer exhaustion. The kind where you lay in your bed and feel your entire body sinking down, detatching from the world, and your limbs are dead weight. I don't think I've felt that in quite awhile. The PMS symptoms weren't exactly a picnic either. I remember sending some hilarious texts back and forth with friends proclaiming the joys of having "pregnancy boobs" with nothing to show for it. (I'm sure many of you ladies can relate). I also had an ovarian cyst on my left ovary rupture during that time. I am perfectly fine, but I have to say, the pain took my breath away for awhile. It took about a week for AF to arrive this time. Usually, she shows up either right before or within a few days after stopping the Provera. When I was on birth control, she would show up the morning of the fourth day after starting the placebos/taking out the ring like clockwork. She decided to make an extended visit this time around as well, but she finally packed her bags and left on Friday. Good riddance! (I did check in with the folks at Diamond, and they aren't concerned at this point).
So, I am back to feeling like myself again. I went to the gym this morning, attended a yoga/pilates class, and stayed for a meditation session afterwards. As a result of some work-related injuries, I have an SI joint that acts up periodically. The weather changes haven't helped much. But, I plowed through it, and I'm so glad I did. My instructor is great at reminding us to "honor our bodies first," and she has been amazing at demonstrating alternate poses that she knows some students may benefit from. I took her advice, but I was able to hold planks with the best of them! It never ceases to amaze me how wonderful I feel after I leave the gym, regardless of how I am feeling physically/emotionally before hand.
Tonight, it's off to bed early for me because that 6am start time tomorrow isn't going to be easy, especially since we are having yet another snow storm tonight. But, we are supposed to get to the 70s this weekend! I wanted to say that I'm so happy that my online SMC friends seem to be doing well. The ones in Boston are all safe and sound. A's pregnancy seems to be progressing smoothly. H and Bumpus appear to be enjoying weather that I am extremely envious of right now. And, everyone else seems to happy and healthy. Finally, over 1,000 people have now viewed this blog! WOOOOO! I know some of them were probably looking for speculum pics or whatever, but the top traffic sources are from legitimate sites, so I'm taking this to mean that there are more humans than robots checking the site out. Thanks so much everyone! It means a lot to me.
So, I am back to feeling like myself again. I went to the gym this morning, attended a yoga/pilates class, and stayed for a meditation session afterwards. As a result of some work-related injuries, I have an SI joint that acts up periodically. The weather changes haven't helped much. But, I plowed through it, and I'm so glad I did. My instructor is great at reminding us to "honor our bodies first," and she has been amazing at demonstrating alternate poses that she knows some students may benefit from. I took her advice, but I was able to hold planks with the best of them! It never ceases to amaze me how wonderful I feel after I leave the gym, regardless of how I am feeling physically/emotionally before hand.
Tonight, it's off to bed early for me because that 6am start time tomorrow isn't going to be easy, especially since we are having yet another snow storm tonight. But, we are supposed to get to the 70s this weekend! I wanted to say that I'm so happy that my online SMC friends seem to be doing well. The ones in Boston are all safe and sound. A's pregnancy seems to be progressing smoothly. H and Bumpus appear to be enjoying weather that I am extremely envious of right now. And, everyone else seems to happy and healthy. Finally, over 1,000 people have now viewed this blog! WOOOOO! I know some of them were probably looking for speculum pics or whatever, but the top traffic sources are from legitimate sites, so I'm taking this to mean that there are more humans than robots checking the site out. Thanks so much everyone! It means a lot to me.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Why single?
During my last post, I talked about the emotional challenges that come along with having a child as a single woman. I wanted to take some time to talk about the advantages from my perspective. I happen to be a heterosexual female, so I'm writing from that angle. But, there are equal advantages for women of other sexual orientations as well.
To start with, look at the statistics on marriage success in this country. People who get married aren't as likely to stay married as they were during my grandparents' generation. Now, I happen to be one of those people who doesn't necessarily believe in marriage for everyone. I believe that two people can have share a lifetime commitment to each other without being married, if that's what they wish to do. Personally, I'm not ever ruling it out, but if I go through life without it, I will still be happy and fulfilled. I haven't really had much success with long-term relationships. The ones I have been in weren't with men I would want to have a child with; yes, even the one where a child was in the picture. I'm still hopeful that I will meet someone with whom to share my life with, but I have realized that may happen after my time to have a child is over. I was never raised with the expectation that I had to follow the traditional "love, marriage, baby" path to creating a family. I am not from a traditional nuclear family, so I have always known that there are many types of families, each with their own set of benefits and challenges.
As I was considering my decision over the last couple of years, I thought about my friends and family members who have children. I thought about my own immediate family. What I realized is that the majority of the couples I have known who have children didn't stay together. Those who are still together are doing quite well, but they are in the minority. To put it plainly, almost all of them tried to stay together for the sake of their children. Many of them would never have lasted beyond a year if a child weren't in the picture. And, I have to wonder how that affects their children. My parents broke up and got back together about twice a year until I was about 9. Every time, I had to move to a new house, change schools, and make new friends. I never saw my parents as being in love with each other. I'm not sure what it was, but I feel very strongly that it wasn't love. When I was 8, I told both my parents that they didn't act like two people who were in love, and that they shouldn't be together anymore. My father moved on to marry my step-mother when I was 12, and they are still together. My mother had my brother when I was 13, and fell back into the same toxic relationship pattern with his father. The got married when I was 18, and they were divorced three years later. My brother and I are both damaged because of the choices our parents have made. I have read many criticisms of the choice mom community, and many of them have to do with the belief that it is unfair to bring a child into the world without a father. I believe it's unfair to bring a child into the world where the father and mother cannot provide a loving environment for the child to grow up in. If a couple truly wanted to make sure they would be able to do so, they would have to stay together for several years to see how their relationship pans out before introducing children into the picture. Because people are getting married/becoming partnered later in life, this isn't always possible.
Choice mom critics also like to point out that it is always stressful for a single parent to raise a child without a support system. Wake up! The majority of children in this country are raised by single parents at some point; whether by choice or not! And, those parents create wonderful support systems for themselves and their children. Heck, my child doesn't even exist yet, and yet he or she already has a network of friends and family members ready and waiting with open arms. My child is wanted and loved by many, and honestly, not every child can say that. It will be a hard road for me to travel, but it would be hard either way. Parenting always is.
I was recently interviewed for an article in the New York Times about younger women who are in the process of becoming choice moms. One of the questions surrounded whether this was plan B or plan A; meaning, was this my back up plan because the whole marriage thing didn't happen, or is this simply the plan? I could honestly answer that this is simply the plan. Yes, I have been candid by saying that a romance-free life is lonely. But, I will be a mother with or without it, in some fashion or another. And, even if I do meet someone, my plans will not change. Because honestly, my child is my priority. I love this child so much now; I can't even imagine what will happen when we finally get to meet. Any man worth having will support my decision and accept my child, because from this point forward, we are a package deal.
I know that many women move forward with a known donor. I did consider this at one point. I decided against it for the same reasons I decided not to wait and see if a husband/partner became part of the picture. There is a lot of legal grey area involved, no matter how solid of a contract is drawn up. Is it fair to anyone involved to be forced to deviate from the level of involvement or responsibility that was initially agreed upon because a judge says so? Aside from all that, the desires of either parent or the child can change at any point, and those wishes may not match up with the other parties'. Basically, I feel that, for me, using a known donor is like having a child in a relationship. It carries the same set of challenges, which I have opted to avoid.
In the past several months, I have been privileged to hear the stories of many women who have traveled the same path. Every one of us has gone about it in a unique way. These are my reasons, and they may or may not mirror another woman's. But that doesn't mean that their reasons or decisions are any less valid than mine. If anyone has anything to add, please feel free to do so, either by commenting below or sending me a message.
Have an amazing night, and enjoy the spring weather that we have all been waiting so patiently for!
To start with, look at the statistics on marriage success in this country. People who get married aren't as likely to stay married as they were during my grandparents' generation. Now, I happen to be one of those people who doesn't necessarily believe in marriage for everyone. I believe that two people can have share a lifetime commitment to each other without being married, if that's what they wish to do. Personally, I'm not ever ruling it out, but if I go through life without it, I will still be happy and fulfilled. I haven't really had much success with long-term relationships. The ones I have been in weren't with men I would want to have a child with; yes, even the one where a child was in the picture. I'm still hopeful that I will meet someone with whom to share my life with, but I have realized that may happen after my time to have a child is over. I was never raised with the expectation that I had to follow the traditional "love, marriage, baby" path to creating a family. I am not from a traditional nuclear family, so I have always known that there are many types of families, each with their own set of benefits and challenges.
As I was considering my decision over the last couple of years, I thought about my friends and family members who have children. I thought about my own immediate family. What I realized is that the majority of the couples I have known who have children didn't stay together. Those who are still together are doing quite well, but they are in the minority. To put it plainly, almost all of them tried to stay together for the sake of their children. Many of them would never have lasted beyond a year if a child weren't in the picture. And, I have to wonder how that affects their children. My parents broke up and got back together about twice a year until I was about 9. Every time, I had to move to a new house, change schools, and make new friends. I never saw my parents as being in love with each other. I'm not sure what it was, but I feel very strongly that it wasn't love. When I was 8, I told both my parents that they didn't act like two people who were in love, and that they shouldn't be together anymore. My father moved on to marry my step-mother when I was 12, and they are still together. My mother had my brother when I was 13, and fell back into the same toxic relationship pattern with his father. The got married when I was 18, and they were divorced three years later. My brother and I are both damaged because of the choices our parents have made. I have read many criticisms of the choice mom community, and many of them have to do with the belief that it is unfair to bring a child into the world without a father. I believe it's unfair to bring a child into the world where the father and mother cannot provide a loving environment for the child to grow up in. If a couple truly wanted to make sure they would be able to do so, they would have to stay together for several years to see how their relationship pans out before introducing children into the picture. Because people are getting married/becoming partnered later in life, this isn't always possible.
Choice mom critics also like to point out that it is always stressful for a single parent to raise a child without a support system. Wake up! The majority of children in this country are raised by single parents at some point; whether by choice or not! And, those parents create wonderful support systems for themselves and their children. Heck, my child doesn't even exist yet, and yet he or she already has a network of friends and family members ready and waiting with open arms. My child is wanted and loved by many, and honestly, not every child can say that. It will be a hard road for me to travel, but it would be hard either way. Parenting always is.
I was recently interviewed for an article in the New York Times about younger women who are in the process of becoming choice moms. One of the questions surrounded whether this was plan B or plan A; meaning, was this my back up plan because the whole marriage thing didn't happen, or is this simply the plan? I could honestly answer that this is simply the plan. Yes, I have been candid by saying that a romance-free life is lonely. But, I will be a mother with or without it, in some fashion or another. And, even if I do meet someone, my plans will not change. Because honestly, my child is my priority. I love this child so much now; I can't even imagine what will happen when we finally get to meet. Any man worth having will support my decision and accept my child, because from this point forward, we are a package deal.
I know that many women move forward with a known donor. I did consider this at one point. I decided against it for the same reasons I decided not to wait and see if a husband/partner became part of the picture. There is a lot of legal grey area involved, no matter how solid of a contract is drawn up. Is it fair to anyone involved to be forced to deviate from the level of involvement or responsibility that was initially agreed upon because a judge says so? Aside from all that, the desires of either parent or the child can change at any point, and those wishes may not match up with the other parties'. Basically, I feel that, for me, using a known donor is like having a child in a relationship. It carries the same set of challenges, which I have opted to avoid.
In the past several months, I have been privileged to hear the stories of many women who have traveled the same path. Every one of us has gone about it in a unique way. These are my reasons, and they may or may not mirror another woman's. But that doesn't mean that their reasons or decisions are any less valid than mine. If anyone has anything to add, please feel free to do so, either by commenting below or sending me a message.
Have an amazing night, and enjoy the spring weather that we have all been waiting so patiently for!
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Before I forget...
I wanted to thank the people that have viewed and/or are following this blog! It's been amazing to share my journey with you all thus far, and I am looking forward to the future. If you haven't "de-lurked," go ahead and do so. I don't bite....:).
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