Grieving...

It's almost 10pm on a Sunday night.  It's been raining ice all day, and snowing in the evening. It's chilly and drafty.  It would be the perfect night to curl up under the covers and be kept warm by someone special.  But. . .I am alone.  And, for the moment, I am going to allow myself to grieve that fact. 

It's easy to say that I feel empowered by entering this journey; that I am proud to be doing it on my own.  To rivet is to fasten; to hold together.  To be riveting is to be held firmly in place.  And, I am in many ways, all of those things.  But to rivet is also to bring two peices together to make a whole, and at present, I feel like a single entity looking in vain for something to grab on to.  Yes, I am making a child on my own; I will be the force that holds us together.  But this child hasn't appeared yet, so for now, I am masked in solitude. 

Is it even logical to try and date anyone at this point?  I know many women are able to do so sucessfully.  A couple of weeks ago, a guy walked into my life when I was least expecting it.  He is sweet, smart, charming, handsome; etc.  When I saw him for the first time, IT was there.  That undeniable spark that has been there with every man I have ever fallen in love with.  Not to say I am expecting to be in love; I'm not even thinking of that.  But I can't deny the pull is there; without it, love can't happen for me.  So, I decided to go with it.  We exchanged numbers; got to know each other.  But, no official date yet.  After a couple of weeks, I can assume he probably won't ask. 

Was it fair to myself to even hope?  Is it fair to him to put myself out there knowing that I will have to let him in on this sooner or later? Is it wrong to want to have some male attention, some affection; maybe even, dare I say it, some sex?  Am I even worthy of it?  I'll never know. 

Which brings me to the grieving.  Last summer, my midwife told me that I would experience a lot of emotions; that the losses I have had would come to the surface.  I expected that I would grieve the loss of my child all those years ago.  I never thought I would also feel the absence of the other loves I had lost.  It's as though I am feeling the longing, the yearning, the wanting while at the same time the hurt, the bitterness, and even the rejection of some of their infidelities.  Do I want them back?  No.  I have moved forward, and I have even forgiven all but one.  But, it doesn't make nights like tonight any less lonely.

To deny something is to prolong it's presence.  To acknowledge it is to begin to conquer it.  If I said I was solely the Riveter, I would be in denial and thus never conquer.  So, for now, I grieve.     

First baby gift...

I have much to report.  I'm still drafting a post about it.  But, for now, a little dose of "awwww....".  The booties my Dad got for me.  Note that they are blue and multi-colored.  Apparently, pink was a choice, but, it's obvious what Grandpa is rooting for :).

A big hurdle in a long line of hurdles...

Great news!  I was approved for an insurance change last week.  After researching my new policy, I learned that I have open access for "diagnosis of infertility" and women's health care.  I also looked at the formulary for prescription drugs, and some of the meds I may need are covered, such as progesterone in oil injections.  My plan is to milk the maybe-you-have PCOS thing for as many tests and treatments as I can.   

So, I made an appointment with the MN Center for Reproductive Medicine.  The doctor that I am scheduled to meet with founded the clinic, and has a fairly decent reputation with the Choice Mom community.  The feedback about him is that he isn't very warm and fuzzy per se, but he does lay out the facts and gives you all the information you need.  I've heard some ladies on the SMC/CM boards saying that their doctors don't give them their lab values, follie size, etc; they just say that they are "good."  I need a doc that will give me facts, and answer my questions.  It sounds like this one will.  We shall see...

I want to put the question out there about what to expect for the RE.  I know that he will probably examine me, and maybe do another ultrasound.  He'll order day FSH/estrogen, maybe a TSH and probably hormone levels to check for PCOS.  I'm wondering what questions I should ask.  I started out with this last year thinking I would maybe need some progesterone to prevent miscarriage, and maybe a trigger shot.  Now, it looks like I may need to induce ovulation.  I'm wondering which is better: Clomid or Femara?  I've read about the benefits and risks of both, and it seems there are an equal amount for either drug.  And, what about synthroid or metformin?  Also, this is a big newbie question, but I know that my ovaries are already covered in follicles, so how can they use U/S to see when I ovulate?  The radiologist said the cysts were "small," but they looked pretty large to me, esp. when I compared them to other images I looked up online.  So, how can the doc tell which follies actually have eggs in them?  This may seem like a silly question, but will they put me on suppressors or BC to get rid of them, and then use meds to stimulate new growth?  And what are the benefits and risks of that?  I think I have a lot of research to do before that appointment....any feedback anyone can give me will be helpful.       

Some may not think this is as humorous as I do, but my dad is coming with me to the initial consult.  It's not exactly a Daddy/Daughter thing, but he's my biggest supporter at this point.  So cute; he actually put two pairs of knitted baby booties in with my Christmas present.  I think he's excited to be a grandpa.  I keep remembering how he told me he wanted to be a grandfather, but he wanted it to happen on my terms when I was ready.  I'm so thankful for that. 

So far, things seem to be falling into place the way I need them to.  I know that this is just one hurdle in a long line of hurdles that have to be jumped over, but I'm happy to be moving forward.          

Happy New Year!!!

Normally, I don't make a huge deal out of another year starting.  It's fun to get together with friends and have a good time, but I don't go crazy over it.  I don't obsess over New Year's resolutions either.  But, this year is different.  This year, I have exciting plans in the works.  I am overjoyed at the thought that I could have my baby in my arms this year.  I am thrilled that everything I have been planning and working for could finally pay off.  I am feverently hoping that any issues I have can be worked out.  AF stayed for a few days, so I fired up the Clear Blue monitor ready to test on CD 6.  Nothing happend at first, but this morning, the monitor looked like this:

I know that it is hard to read this sideways, but this is a good sign so far.  The monitor keeps track of levels of estrogen and LH, the hormone that surges ~24 hours before you ovulate.  One bar means low fertility, two bars means high fertility, three bars with an egg symbol means peak fertility with ovulation being imminent.  I had one bar the past three days, but this morning I had two.  This is what should happen in a normal length cycle, so I am hoping that maybe the Provera worked and is helping my cycle get back on track.  Of course, women with PCOS will often surge but not ovulate, or they may have multiple surges in a cycle.  Either way, it will tell me more about what my body is doing.  I will have much more to report to the RE when I see him so we know where to go from there.  I'm optimistic because no matter how this cycle goes, the results will bring me one step closer to my baby.  And, that ladies, is why I am ecstatic to start the new year!  Bring it on 2013, let's see whatcha got!   

Merry Chirstmas!!!

Now that things are settling down from the holiday rush, I wanted to take some time to write about my Christmas experience this year.  I got off at 10am on Christmas Eve, and worked like a madwoman getting ready.  I have been making my own extracts for awhile, and I came up with the idea of making gift baskets with valerian, melatonin, and vanilla extracts in them.  Of course, procrastination is my middle name, so I spent about 6 hours bottling and packaging 17 baskets.  Then I had to wrap presents and haul arse to my Aunt's house.  Every Christmas Eve, my Mom's family always has a big event (~30 people) at my Aunt's house.  We have a Santa suit that my great aunts made over 60 years ago, and every year, "Santa" takes time out of his busy night to deliver gifts to the kids in person.  We even act out the reindeer landing on the roof, complete with sleigh bells.  It's a great tradition, and one that I can't wait to carry out with my own child.  Here's a picture of my niece with Santa:

I think one of the best parts of the night is when I told my second cousin, L, about my TTC plans.  She has always been there for me.  When I was 15, I was the only survivor of a fatal house fire that took place on December 22nd.  I had been staying at my aunt's house, and the house caught fire in the early morning hours.  She and her dog died, but by some miracle, I was able to make it out after coming up from the basement three times to try to get a side door open.  Because most of my clothes were at my aunt's, I didn't have anything to wear home from the hospital when I got out on Christmas Eve.  That afternoon, L showed up at the hospital with her arms full of shopping bags.  She had bought me several outfits, a brand new coat, shoes, gloves, pjs, the works.  I have never forgotten that act of kindness.  She is an amazing person.  A year ago, she was one of the people I told that if I didn't have kids by the time I was 35, I would do it on my own.  She told me that my child would be loved by our family regardless of how he/she came into the world.  When I told her that I had decided to start trying now, she was so great.  She initially asked if I was sure there wasn't any relationship prospects out there, and I told her no.  She said if I was sure it was right for me, she would be supportive.  She already knew what Mom's reaction was before I confirmed it, and said that if there was anything she could do to help, she'd be more than happy to.  I am so thankful to have people like this in my life.  For every non-supportive person, there are ten who are behind me one hundred percent.

Also, AF showed up that afternoon, in all of her scarlet Christmas glory.  I never thought I'd consider her to be one of my favorite Christmas presents.  I'm so happy that the Provera worked.  Now to see what happens next!     

On Christmas Day, I drove to Wisconsin to spend some time with my cousins on my Dad's side of the family.  My oldest cousin, J, is like a sister to me, since I don't have one of my own.  They were living on a military bast in North Carolina when her two daughters were born, so we didn't get to see each other very often.  When her husband was medically seperated from the marines, it happened with short notice, so they moved to her mother's house in a little town just over the border.  It's nice that a they are now within driving distance, but it's still hard to get out to see them.  I was so excited to give the girls their presents.  Of course, what is Christmas without a little drama?  My Dad and my Aunt aren't on good terms right now; J and I are staying out of it.  So, I had to leave J's house early to get to my Dad.  My Stepmom's brother is a journalist who lives in Japan.  Because he was in town, we went out to a Sushi resturant. 

All in all, a great couple of days.  Although they were busy, I got to spend time with all the people I love, which was the best gift of all.  I can't help but think that I could have a little one in my arms, or at least in my belly only a year later.  I hope that everyone else I've been lucky enough to connect with on this journey will be as lucky too.