Sweet!

I haven't been very hush hush about my extreme disappointment over the fact that my chosen cryobank has refused to let me pick up my "juice" from the facility, which is 10 minutes from my house.  It makes absolutely no sense that I have to pay $100 to have someone drive such a short distance.  I expressed my extreme disappointment with this (I mean, it is MY property after all) on many occasions, including interviews I have been a part of.  Well, I got an email this morning saying that they are now allowing pick ups with a 7-day storage tank.  Sweet!  One less thing to pay for!  I'm sure I had nothing to do with it, but still, maybe my bitchiness helped in around 0.009% of the decision making process *wink, wink*.  Have a fabulous afternoon my dears!

So, I've got something to tell you....

I should be completing my mass casualty incident training online right about now, but I'm feeling a little stir crazy.  I have one week of school to go, and I just want to be done already!!!  So, I'm taking a break to open the windows and talk to you, my online comrades!  Ok, here's a topic that a lot of SMCs and SMCs in the making have had to tackle: when and how do you tell a someone or a potential someone about your TTC plans?  This of course is different than when you are a single parent, which brings its own set of challenges altogether.

I have been writing lately about how I wouldn't be opposed to dating the right guy if he were to come along.  Well, lately, there have been a couple of men that I have felt a connection with.  And, like I told one of them, I didn't want to miss out on a good thing because I was too afraid to try, even given my circumstances.  But, it doesn't always go as planned.  For example: one of them was a friend of a friend.  We had known each other for a few months, and I initially put my crush on hold because of my TTC plans.  But, after some reflection, I decided to give it a shot.  So, I started to drop some not-so-subtle hints that I was interested.  Not like me at all, btw.  I'm more of a school-girl crush type.  Then one night, we were out with mutual friends, and he was acting kind of strange.  A friend told me that he figured out my plans, and doesn't want kids.  Now, I'm the type of person who likes direct communication.  So, I took him aside and laid it out there.  It went something like this:

Me:  "So, I've been told that you are aware of certain plans of mine.  I wanted to talk to you about it myself, instead of you learning more about it someone else."

Him:  "Oh?"  (Not helping: see below).

Me:  "I mean my plans to have a child on my own."

Him: "WHAT?!?!?!?"  (Shocked look on face, hands running through hair).

Me:  "Wait, you didn't know?"

Him:  "Uh, no." 

Yeah, oops about covers it.  So, actually, he didn't know.  And this, children, is why you never believe what others tell you until you know for sure yourself.  Well, he was very supportive of my decision, but, he doesn't want children of his own.  I considered having a fling with him anyways, but then decided against it for a variety of reasons.  He has a lot of his own things going on and, even though I will not be TTC for at least a couple of months, a child will eventually become part of the picture one way or another.  So, he's going to stay a good friend.  And, I'm ok with that.  

But, another part of this conversation brings up a good point:

Me:  "Well, this was in motion long before I ever met you.  And, I wasn't really looking for anyone when I did.  I just want to let you know that I'm not trying to mix you up in this.  I'm not looking for someone to father my child or take care of a child that doesn't belong to him."

Him: "I never would have thought that about you.  That never crossed my mind."

Ok, but do men seriously think of these things?  Was he being polite, or was he serious?  I know as a whole, this is not the typical SMC agenda.  We choose to be SMCs, not "baby mommas", for a reason.  I know I don't need to say this for the benefit of any SMC readers, but for everyone else, let me say that if I really didn't care where my baby came from, I would have simply counted to 13, gone to a bar, and saved the large quantity of money I'd already spent.  But, do men really get that?  I've dated guys with children before, and their co-parenting situations were never ideal for them or for their children.  Their view of women was skewed to the point where they didn't trust many of them anymore.  These were the guys that brought up birth control before I ever did.   The relationships ended for reasons that had nothing to do with their children.  In fact, one of the hardest parts was saying good-bye to the kids.  It makes me think.  And, so what if I had a child with an ex-partner, as I nearly did once?  (The father of my child had no offspring, btw).  How does that automatically make me any less of a mother or a human being for that matter?  I never thought twice about being with a man who had children before he met me, regardless of the circumstances.  Why are all single moms lumped into the same category of being just "baby mommas?"  Can't we just be moms?  And, are there men out there that understand that?  

Just some food for thought on this nice spring day.  I'd love to hear from all of you.  How did dating while TTC work out, if you chose to try it?  Am I really paranoid,  or do you think there's some truth to my thoughts?  
     

Finally!

This last Provera burst was KILLER!! And, not in a good way either.  I don't know why, but it seems that every time I do it, the effects seem to get worse.  I have spent the last two weeks simply wiped.  Sheer exhaustion.  The kind where you lay in your bed and feel your entire body sinking down, detatching from the world, and your limbs are dead weight.  I don't think I've felt that in quite awhile.  The PMS symptoms weren't exactly a picnic either.  I remember sending some hilarious texts back and forth with friends proclaiming the joys of having "pregnancy boobs" with nothing to show for it. (I'm sure many of you ladies can relate).  I also had an ovarian cyst on my left ovary rupture during that time.  I am perfectly fine, but I have to say, the pain took my breath away for awhile.  It took about a week for AF to arrive this time.  Usually, she shows up either right before or within a few days after stopping the Provera.  When I was on birth control, she would show up the morning of the fourth day after starting the placebos/taking out the ring like clockwork.  She decided to make an extended visit this time around as well, but she finally packed her bags and left on Friday.  Good riddance!  (I did check in with the folks at Diamond, and they aren't concerned at this point).    

So, I am back to feeling like myself again.  I went to the gym this morning, attended a yoga/pilates class, and stayed for a meditation session afterwards.  As a result of some work-related injuries, I have an SI joint that acts up periodically.  The weather changes haven't helped much.  But, I plowed through it, and I'm so glad I did.  My instructor is great at reminding us to "honor our bodies first," and she has been amazing at demonstrating alternate poses that she knows some students may benefit from.  I took her advice, but I was able to hold planks with the best of them!  It never ceases to amaze me how wonderful I feel after I leave the gym, regardless of how I am feeling physically/emotionally before hand.

Tonight, it's off to bed early for me because that 6am start time tomorrow isn't going to be easy, especially since we are having yet another snow storm tonight.  But, we are supposed to get to the 70s this weekend!  I wanted to say that I'm so happy that my online SMC friends seem to be doing well.  The ones in Boston are all safe and sound.  A's pregnancy seems to be progressing smoothly.  H and Bumpus appear to be enjoying weather that I am extremely envious of right now.  And, everyone else seems to happy and healthy.  Finally, over 1,000 people have now viewed this blog!  WOOOOO!  I know some of them were probably looking for speculum pics or whatever, but the top traffic sources are from legitimate sites, so I'm taking this to mean that there are more humans than robots checking the site out.  Thanks so much everyone!  It means a lot to me.       

Why single?

During my last post, I talked about the emotional challenges that come along with having a child as a single woman.  I wanted to take some time to talk about the advantages from my perspective.  I happen to be a heterosexual female, so I'm writing from that angle.  But, there are equal advantages for women of other sexual orientations as well. 

To start with, look at the statistics on marriage success in this country.  People who get married aren't as likely to stay married as they were during my grandparents' generation.  Now, I happen to be one of those people who doesn't necessarily believe in marriage for everyone.  I believe that two people can have share a lifetime commitment to each other without being married, if that's what they wish to do.  Personally, I'm not ever ruling it out, but if I go through life without it, I will still be happy and fulfilled.  I haven't really had much success with long-term relationships.  The ones I have been in weren't with men I would want to have a child with; yes, even the one where a child was in the picture.  I'm still hopeful that I will meet someone with whom to share my life with, but I have realized that may happen after my time to have a child is over.  I was never raised with the expectation that I had to follow the traditional "love, marriage, baby" path to creating a family.  I am not from a traditional nuclear family, so I have always known that there are many types of families, each with their own set of benefits and challenges.   

As I was considering my decision over the last couple of years, I thought about my friends and family members who have children.  I thought about my own immediate family.  What I realized is that the majority of the couples I have known who have children didn't stay together.  Those who are still together are doing quite well, but they are in the minority.  To put it plainly, almost all of them tried to stay together for the sake of their children.  Many of them would never have lasted beyond a year if a child weren't in the picture.  And, I have to wonder how that affects their children.  My parents broke up and got back together about twice a year until I was about 9.  Every time, I had to move to a new house, change schools, and make new friends.  I never saw my parents as being in love with each other.  I'm not sure what it was, but I feel very strongly that it wasn't love.  When I was 8, I told both my parents that they didn't act like two people who were in love, and that they shouldn't be together anymore.  My father moved on to marry my step-mother when I was 12, and they are still together.  My mother had my brother when I was 13, and fell back into the same toxic relationship pattern with his father.  The got married when I was 18, and they were divorced three years later.  My brother and I are both damaged because of the choices our parents have made.  I have read many criticisms of the choice mom community, and many of them have to do with the belief that it is unfair to bring a child into the world without a father.  I believe it's unfair to bring a child into the world where the father and mother cannot provide a loving environment for the child to grow up in.  If a couple truly wanted to make sure they would be able to do so, they would have to stay together for several years to see how their relationship pans out before introducing children into the picture.  Because people are getting married/becoming partnered later in life, this isn't always possible. 

Choice mom critics also like to point out that it is always stressful for a single parent to raise a child without a support system.  Wake up!  The majority of children in this country are raised by single parents at some point; whether by choice or not!  And, those parents create wonderful support systems for themselves and their children.  Heck, my child doesn't even exist yet, and yet he or she already has a network of friends and family members ready and waiting with open arms.  My child is wanted and loved by many, and honestly, not every child can say that.  It will be a hard road for me to travel, but it would be hard either way.  Parenting always is. 

I was recently interviewed for an article in the New York Times about younger women who are in the process of becoming choice moms.  One of the questions surrounded whether this was plan B or plan A; meaning, was this my back up plan because the whole marriage thing didn't happen, or is this simply the plan?  I could honestly answer that this is simply the plan.  Yes, I have been candid by saying that a romance-free life is lonely.  But, I will be a mother with or without it, in some fashion or another.  And, even if I do meet someone, my plans will not change.  Because honestly, my child is my priority.  I love this child so much now; I can't even imagine what will happen when we finally get to meet.  Any man worth having will support my decision and accept my child, because from this point forward, we are a package deal. 

I know that many women move forward with a known donor.  I did consider this at one point.  I decided against it for the same reasons I decided not to wait and see if a husband/partner became part of the picture.  There is a lot of legal grey area involved, no matter how solid of a contract is drawn up.  Is it fair to anyone involved to be forced to deviate from the level of involvement or responsibility that was initially agreed upon because a judge says so?  Aside from all that, the desires of either parent or the child can change at any point, and those wishes may not match up with the other parties'.  Basically, I feel that, for me, using a known donor is like having a child in a relationship.  It carries the same set of challenges, which I have opted to avoid. 

In the past several months, I have been privileged to hear the stories of many women who have traveled the same path.  Every one of us has gone about it in a unique way.  These are my reasons, and they may or may not mirror another woman's.  But that doesn't mean that their reasons or decisions are any less valid than mine.  If anyone has anything to add, please feel free to do so, either by commenting below or sending me a message.

Have an amazing night, and enjoy the spring weather that we have all been waiting so patiently for!

 

Before I forget...

I wanted to thank the people that have viewed and/or are following this blog!  It's been amazing to share my journey with you all thus far, and I am looking forward to the future.  If you haven't "de-lurked,"  go ahead and do so.  I don't bite....:). 

My body isn't mine anymore.

Today's post is a little more melodramatic than you all may be used to.  It has to do with feelings that I'm sure any woman struggling with fertility/TTC issues can relate to, single or otherwise.  I'm getting to the point where I'm feeling like my body isn't mine anymore.  My body belongs to the doctors, the midwives, the nurses, the lab techs, and the trainers.  I have no control over it anymore.  I am basically a science experiment.  I have given myself over to the will of forces I have no control over.  Can I ovulate, can I regulate my hormones, can I even get pregnant?  And, after I am pregnant, my body will belong to my child; at least for a couple of years.  I am no longer just myself; I am a single woman with fertility issues.  After I have a child, I will be a single mother.  And, while I will be proud to call myself a single mother by choice, it doesn't mean that I won't struggle with the challenges that come with it.

Right now, the challenges have to do with how impersonal this whole process is.  I am proud to be doing this on my own, but I can't help but wonder if having a partner would make it easier on me.  I don't have someone to share the burden of the struggles I am facing.  Yes, I have family and friends, but it's not the same.  I know that infertility can drive a wedge in even the strongest relationship, but infertile couples still have each other in the end, even if they never have children.  And, if I never do, then what will I have?

Maybe this has to do with the realization that I am, for the most part, sentencing myself to several years of a romance-free existence.  I have realized that there are few, if any, men that want anything to do with a woman who is TTC or pregnant.  Well, there are, but their motives are somewhat...questionable.  I have heard a couple of stories of woman who found Mr. Right right before or just after their long-awaited BFP.  But, I know that those stories are few and far between.  I have not changed my mind about TTC; not in the least.  But, there is a part of me that wants to be with someone, even if only temporarily, to remind myself that I am still me, still a woman, still desirable, still human.

I have been feeling this way for about a month now.  I have no idea why I haven't written about it sooner.  I suppose it's because I feel like I have to have this strong front up at all times.  Like I have to be the proud, independent, courageous woman that everyone is expecting me to be.  I think I have to learn to accept that I am not infallible, and that I will struggle as much as I will triumph.  I'm hoping I will triumph soon, however, because the struggling is getting to be a bit much.     

Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend....

Whew!  What a whirlwind couple of weeks it has been!  I've been working on this for awhile, but wanted to wait until the endocrinology work-up to post. 

Let me start off by saying diamonds are a girl's best friend.  Period.  I am so thankful that another SMC was able to suggest this place to me.  It's not an RE office, but the work-up so far is exactly the same.  I think I'll stay there for now unless I end up needing IVF (knock on wood that I never do!).  It was so nice to have people smile at me, congratulate me on the weight I have lost, and, most importantly, not flinch when I tell them I'm using donor sperm.  The doctor wasn't exactly warm and fuzzy, but was full of information.  He actually took my thoughts into account, which was beyond appreciated.  He agreed to run male hormone levels, plus did a fasting insulin, Hba1c, and glucose.  The hormones were actually dead in the center of the bell curve.  The a1c was normal, and the glucose was 96, but the insulin was 36.  So, I do have some insulin resistance, which could indicate PCOS may indeed be a part of the picture. 

In terms of treatment, he thinks a low dose of Metformin may be helpful for me, but wanted to wait and see what the endocrinologist thought.  He agrees that Femara may be the best ovulation induction drug for me.  In fact, he said that many of his patients in my situation do better on Femara than on Clomid.  He also uses it a few days longer, like CDs 3-10 instead of 3-7.  I don't see the issue with this.  I'm planning on doing a cycle or two of Femara plus a trigger shot, but after that, I don't want to BS around; it's on to injectables.  I know that some women will try conservative IUI several times, but I can't see myself doing it over and over without getting aggressive.  It's not just the financial toll; it's the emotional one as well.  I couldn't go through 6, 10, even 12 BFNs without knowing I did everything I could to make that BFP happen.  Oh wait. . .there I go again, getting ahead of myself!

Last week, I had a consult with a medical endocrinologist as well.  She had no clue why my TSH is fluctuating so much, which makes me feel SO secure!  But, she did repeat it again, and it is now 2.8.  I'm still not comfortable with the level changing, so I will probably have to work on it on my own then call her and tell her what I want to do.  (Why does every doctor appointment end up this way?)  In other news, she agrees that Metformin may benefit me.  She started me on 500mg/day of the extended release form, which is supposed to make the side effects a bit easier to handle (yeah right!).  She said I could go up to 1,000mg a day if need be.  It may help me lose more weight, and bringing the insulin levels down may help support the return of ovulation, or at the very least make the induction easier.  How long I take it and whether I continue it during TTC/pregnancy is up to me and the OB/GYN.  She said that there's as much research supporting continuing it as there is for discontinuing it.  I would think that it would help prevent GD, or am I incorrect?  I don't know enough about it yet to make a decision on what to do there.   

I called Diamond with an update, and the doctor himself called me back (another plus) and let me know that he called in Provera for me with 8 refills, which I will keep taking on CD 21 for 10 days each cycle until TTC.  The doc is fine with post-IUI progesterone, but still gave me the schpiel about how it really isn't needed...blah, blah, blah... All I can say is I hope that I will never need all 8 of those Provera scripts, if you catch my drift.

Things seem to be falling in place.  I'll finish my program and hopefully pass my boards in May.  I should be re-employed soon after that.  The thought of being able to leave where I'm at for a new career and the prospect of starting a new family is so enthralling; I can barely take it!  In the meantime, stay tuned for updates on my life, love (or lack thereof), and adventures in the kitchen. The Riveting Mama is in the game!