Thursday, October 31, 2013

Exciting stuff, or, the Riveting Mama enters another kind of 2WW....

Well, not as exciting as a BFP WILL be, but, let's see...AF stayed 6 days and, um, made her presence known.  It's now CD 13; mucus mucus, pinches in my ovaries, that solitary zit popped out on my chin this evening, and let's just say, my body is telling me that locking a man in my bedroom for about 36 hours would be a VERY good thing.  (Good thing I'm working through Monday lol).  Two natural cycles in a row?!?!  Could it be?!?!?  Guess I'll let you all know after a different kind of 2WW has run its course.

Speaking of work, The Riveting Mama sold out and got herself a respectable day job.  It's doing care management, staffing, and HR like I did up until a year ago, but private sector.  It's not the job I thought I'd be doing if I left my current job, but I'll still save lives on the weekends; maybe go patch up drunks in exchange for free concert tickets or something-haha!  It's salaried with benefits; and has a regular Monday through Friday schedule.  It's offering me stability, which, after some soul searching, is really what I've determined I need right now.  I've talked it over with my family, and they agree I should give it a go.  I haven't quit my current job.  I've learned the hard way that in terms of employment, it's not a good idea to put all your eggs in one basket in this day and age.   So, we shall see what happens there.  Wish me luck!

In other news, my next TTC cycle date is still undetermined.  I ended up having to deal with some legal issues (civil, not criminal; don't worry).  So, that means I have to come up with $800 for a retainer.  My lawyer is a good guy, but shit, is he ever expensive!  Well, there goes a couple of visits, U/Ss, and labs.  I'll keep plugging along though; I've got my storage paid up for another three months yet.  Really, this is an opportunity for me to keep getting in shape, building up my vitamin and mineral stores, etc.  I read that getting one's magnesium level up in the months leading up to pregnancy can seriously help with morning sickness.  I'm still in the game folks, just taking a little time out.  As always, thanks for all your support, love, and encouragement.  I'll be in touch!  

Monday, October 21, 2013

Cold weather ramblings....

Good chilly evening to you all!  We did get a dusting of snow in the Twin Cities this weekend, but didn't get hit nearly as hard as they did up north.  I've been keeping A in my thoughts on a daily basis as she awaits the arrival of her little girl.  Apparently, this little lady didn't keep with the tradition of arriving in a snow storm! 

On that note, the community is flooded with good news.  I have read about 4 pregnancies that are progressing beautifully.  H just found out she is having a little boy.  Welcome to the world little Ruckus; we can't wait to meet you!  The other 3 were hard-won after long battles with infertility.  M and K both underwent around 10 IUIs, 1 IVF then FET, and both suffered losses along the way. J's surrogate made it to the second trimester this week.  After multiple pregnancies and losses, she turned to using a surrogate to carry her own embryos.  The first attempt didn't work, but this embie turned out to be the trooper.  J has never seen week 12 before, and I couldn't be happier for her.  These women have inspired me as I keep moving down this journey.  If they can triumph, then so can I.

Speaking of losses, October 15th was national pregnancy and infant loss awareness day.  It was kind of bittersweet for me.  Years ago, I met some amazing women on an online support group.  I am still in contact with some of them.  We reached out to each other as usual.  This year, it seems that social media campaigns are doing what they do.  It was wonderful to see so many women I know speaking out about being "1 in 4."  Actually, I didn't even know that some of them had been through this.  So, I have developed a little comradery with them.  I am very thankful for the kind messages I got that day.  But the interesting thing is:  nothing from my family.  At all.  Not publicly or privately.  It didn't have to be a big thing.  My message for the day encouraged people to give mothers who have experienced a loss a hug, because it's nice to have the occasional reminder that people haven't forgotten.  Not a lot of fuss required at all.  I'm not incredibly upset over it, and didn't even mention it to any of them.  It's just interesting that a group of people who has been so supportive of my being a mother would be silent on this one thing.

Remember how I always say that support comes when you least expect it?  Well, a friend of mine who has outright criticized my decision to the point of saying he thought anyone would be crazy to do what I am doing (and he didn't mean that in a humorous way) just sent me the following message yesterday:  "You my dear will be an amazing mother and I am sure of it."  It made me smile.  

I do have some exciting news to report though: I have both ovulated and come into the presence of AF on my own and within 30 days!  Yes, these things are exciting to SMCs in the making.  I did a little happy dance on Saturday morning.  I feel no shame in admitting it. :) I mentioned it to Dad yesterday while we were discussing canning and baking recipes.  He laughed and said, "I knew you had it in you."  Now, don't get to excited.  Unmedicated IUIs are NOT in my future.  I appreciate good omens though:  five healthy babies on the way and a natural cycle for me has me in good spirits at least.  So good that I believe I will celebrate with a nice glass of Riesling while I still can.

Stay warm everyone and keep the updates coming!  


Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Serious changes?

Hi everyone!  These past few weeks have been interesting to say the least.  I was on a much needed break from TTC.  Yes, a break.  As expected, my beta was negative.  I didn't even cry when I heard the news.  I knew it was coming.  

I decided that this cycle I needed to work on me.  I half succeeded.  I've been working a lot, and not being nearly as active as I was up to TTC.  I have been watching what I eat, but I have to admit to writing a rant on Facebook about the Republicans coming to the door and coming between me and my syrup and butter-laden pancakes.  Oops.  My total weight loss to date got up to 55 pounds, but I gained 3 of them back.  Oh well.   I think a lot of women go into a "break" with the intention of getting in better shape or changing their diets during that time, and it doesn't quite work out all the time.  Hey, I'm happy, and that's what matters.

I have been doing some serious thinking.  I'm debating what to do for my next cycle.  I definitely think that the Gonal-F is the way to go.  I'll get better eggs and more of them.  But, I'm also concerned about the progesterone levels.  I'm toying with the idea of another Femara cycle to see if the PIO injections can get the level high enough for comfort.  This may or may not be a reasonable train of thought, but should I waste the Gonal-F on a cycle that has less chance of working out because my levels aren't high enough to support my little bean sticking?  Hmmm.....

In other news, your favorite wannabee MN mama went on a date last Friday.  I maintained a period of no-contact with the Ironman, and the only contact I did have with him after involved me wishing him a happy birthday and telling him about a trip I plan to take.  I told him I wasn't mad so much as "inquisitively disappointed" in him (this is in reference to the information I learned from E).  My therapist was supportive of this and has done a beautiful job of being there for me during the past  couple of months.

My therapist also encouraged me to go on a date or two if I felt I was ready.  Since making my decision to become an SMC, and even when I was still thinking about it, I haven't actively sought out new men to date.  The ones I was attracted to kind of fell in my lap.  And B was a part of my life before.  Well, I had been talking to A, a guy I went to high school with, via Facebook.  We knew who the other was, but never really hung out, although we did have friends in common.  We hadn't seen each other in almost 11 years.  We have some things in common and found it easy to converse with each other.  The conversations would get flirty occasionally, but not out of hand.  I could sense he was interested in me, but he never made a move.  So, one day, I just said, "If you want to get together with me sometime, just ask me."  He did immediately.

Anyways, he's been divorced for about 5 years, owns his own home in our hometown, and has primary custody of his 6-year old daughter.   He does computer programing and seems to enjoy it, although I admit I only understand about half of what he says sometimes.  He seems to have his life together somewhat, so I figured why not?

We met up for dinner and then went to a Halloween maze, where we were promptly rained on like no one's business.  It was fun though.  No lapses in conversation, and we both have a similar sense of humor so we were able to joke and keep it interesting.  We left early because of the rain, and got stuck in horrible traffic due to construction.  We had left his car at his house and gone in mine; Shakopee is a ways away after all.  I had to work in the morning, so I didn't stay long.  I got a tour of the house (his daughter was at her mom's house for the weekend), and checked out his gaming laptop.  I've given you plenty of reasons to laugh at me over the past year or so, so what's one more?  Ready?  When we were hugging good-bye, I got a good whiff of him.  I'm somewhat unusual in that I associate memory with the way things smell.  My olfactory sense is part of what determines my level of attraction to someone.  If it's the right person, it sort of shakes something up deep inside of me.  It's kind of hard to explain.  It's more than just pheromones.  Normally, I keep this quiet.  But that night?  I found myself whispering, "You smell good."  He looked at me with a bit of curiosity, and hugged me again.  He leaned his forehead against mine and said, "I'll see you soon."  We kissed a few times, and I left.

So, we shall see.  He did say that he's not sure about having more children, but then said, "Well, I suppose it's all right as long as the kids don't out-number the parents," and smiled at me.  (He had been engaged to a woman up until about a year ago who had 3 kids.)  I haven't told him about my TTC plans, but I will if I keep seeing him.  I will most definitely keep him in the loop more than I did with B.  B was always aware of it, but I never got a clear answer of how he felt about it.  I was so afraid of his reaction that I didn't tell him when I had my first IUI.  I did try though; I really did.  And after, well, you all know what happened....

We shall see how things continue to play out.  My plan right now is to save up for three ultrasounds (ouch) and continue on with life.  Let the cards fall where they may...good night!!!