Wednesday, July 10, 2013

And finally, just Bam; or, The First Go-Round.

This is also a modified re-post of a draft I wrote awhile back: specifically right before my first IUI this month, which sadly, was a NTT.  Oh my gosh, I have been behind on blogging!  

Note to self: you are an honest person with a good heart.  You wear that heart on your sleeve and take honestly very seriously.  But, perhaps it wasn't the best idea to tell a certain person about your blog.  Because it keeps you from utilizing your online network of supporters, which you have come to rely on ALOT in the past several months.

Now begins the "other" post I talked about.  I think I have been honest about how it was difficult to go through this without a SO.  Well, it is.  I've talked about how I've processed that at length in previous posts, as well as how I've come to the conclusion that it hadn't changed my mind.  But, it didn't make me any less lonely.  Ok, we all have they guy that we wonder "what if" about right?  So, the opportunity to get back in touch with mine came up several months back.  I took it.  Why not?  What have I got to lose?  Actually, I told him about my TTC plans in January sometime, so it's not like he didn't know.  But, I told him about my blog then, because at the time, I thought there was ZERO chance of anything happening between us.  But, I'm no longer concerned with posting here.  Because there isn't anything I would say here that I haven't already said to him or wouldn't say to him.

So, we started talking again on a daily basis.  Getting re-acquainted.  We had light hearted discussions as well as emotional ones.  I told him that I would give it a little time to see if anything develops.  I wasn't at a place where I could TTC at that time anyways.  So, waiting worked for me.  However, I left myself open for a LOT here.

Let me back up and explain.  B and I have actually been involved with each other off and on for about ten years.  We used to work for the same company but in different departments.  I met him under a desk.  Long story.  I was attracted to him immediately, but we were both with other people.  I was with the man who fathered my child.  B is actually the one who helped me finally break it off with him.  He would tell me how I deserved so much more than that.  Those all night conversations in the copy room at work, the hugs, the support.  It meant the world to me.  We were friends and co-workers for a couple of years.  Then, we both left our jobs in the spring of 2006.  He went to CO for the summer. We stayed in touch that summer, and admitted there were feelings there then.  Again, marathon all night conversations; surprising we ever got any work/school work done.  After the job he took in CO didn't work out, he came back to MN.  We started seeing each other.  I was over the moon.  But, it wasn't perfect.  He would be distant, he would give me the silent treatment for up to a week when I'd ask him where he was or why he lied to me about something.  Then, he'd come back, and make me feel like a queen.  He told me he loved me and how much I meant to him.  Sex became "making love," the first time I'd ever had a man refer to it that way with me.  He would say how he looked at my picture every night, and wanted to cry when he couldn't be with me.

At the end of 2007 I found out he cheated on me right after we had returned from a weekend out of town together.  His co-workers had hinted to me that there was another woman when we went out one night, but I ignored it.  When I called him on it, he got mad and accused me of being overly suspicious.  This sounds so child-like, but I knew it was true when I saw them both hop on Myspace at exactly the same time; around 5:30am.  The day before, she had wrote, "Thanks for finally taking a bite.  See you tomorrow night sweetheart."  Then, she posted pics of herself in the front seat of his car.  I asked B what that was about.  He didn't answer, he just got angry. "Thanks for fucking accusing me!"  Then, he changed his profile to say he was 28 (big lie), and looking for a relationship.  I did the thing you aren't supposed to do; I contacted her.  I asked her to leave him alone at least for awhile so B and I could figure things out.  She said what I later learned could be a normal response.  She said that it wasn't her fault if she was that fabulous and it was my fault if I couldn't keep my man happy.  She didn't admit to sleeping with him, but didn't deny it either.  I lashed out at her, which I probably shouldn't have done.  She probably was a victim in it too; she was 19 or 20 and a server at the restaurant B got an accounting job at; B was 33.  Um..yeah.  I knew what that was about.  But, it's easier to be angry at the other woman than the man.  I told B to come to my apartment to get his things.  He didn't even respond to my request.  I packed them up and brought them to his work.  I couldn't stand to look at them.  Every time I did, it was a like a knife was shredding my heart again.  Everything he had ever told me was a lie.  He lived in Carver at the time.  His work was in Bloomington.  I lived in St. Paul.  Yup, I'm not driving any further than I have to.  He was living with his family then, and the last thing I needed to do was see them and mix them up in this.  I dropped it off at the front, and B sent his boss out to get it.  He couldn't even face me.  (Later, I got a message from this woman, who referred to herself as Madam D. Nightmare.  She was also some kind of "alternative model" on the side.  She told me that I was acting like a stalker, and that I should stay out of gun range.  Perhaps I don't feel quite so bad for her after all).

Anyways, I never got much closure.  It took me a long time to be ok.  I actually took an extended vacation from work and changed my school schedule to two night classes one day a week.  I needed time to heal.  And I did.  Then, that March, he called.  And I let him in again.  He said he was sorry, and how much he missed me.  He never would admit to sleeping with D though (her real name starts with a D).  Then, that July, he didn't show up to a big VIP party my friend had.  I had been really excited for it. I had my makeup professionally done for the first time ever.  He texted me to tell me he was out "drinking with the boys."  He then tried to say there were clients involved.  I asked him what kind of clients a restaurant/store has to entertain like that.  Nothing.  I was hurt again.  Then at the end of July/early August, he reached out to me again, get the point.  Then, in the fall (October), he contacted me again via Facebook.  I looked at his page, and I saw that he was in a relationship with a woman; J.  I called him, and he picked up right away.  It went something like this:

RM: "Why did you contact me?  What do you want."
B:  "I don't know.  I wanted to talk to you."
RM: "Did it ever occur to you how it would hurt me to see you with another woman?"
B:  "I'm sorry; I didn't think it would hurt you that much."
RM: "What do you want from me?"
B: "I don't know.  What do you want from me?"
RM:  "Nothing now.  Just tell me the truth once and for all.  Did you sleep with D?  What does it matter now?"
B: "No."
RM: "Were you involved with her?"
B: "To some extent yes."
RM: "So you were dating her?"
B: "No."
RM: "Well, that's what being involved means."
B: "No, I mean I spent time with her, got to know her, went places with her...".
RM:  "Um, that IS involvement and dating B."
B: "I'm at work, I can't talk about this anymore.  What do you want?  Let me know."

I did ask him to meet me one last time for closure, then asked him not to contact me anymore.  We set it up, but he backed out.  He didn't contact me.  I moved on.  Dated.  Nothing worked out in the long run, but not because anyone did anything wrong.  They just weren't the right guys for me and I wasn't right for them.  They were also younger than me (early or mid-20s at the time) and not ready to make a long term commitment.  I don't fault them for this.  It is what it is.  I'm still Facebook friends with one of them.  He is finishing out a military contract and doing well.  He's a decent guy, and I'm proud of him.

So, you all know how I came to the decision to become a Choice Mom.  I actually began thinking of it when I was with B, although I didn't know that's what I was thinking of at the time, per se.  Kids were still a "someday" then.  I knew that I wanted to be a mother.  I wasn't sure how that would happen, but I did have a gay friend offer to be a known donor if I ever decided I wanted kids.  On my 23rd birthday, I was having dinner and drinks with my parents and close friends at Chino Latinos.  I turned to my father and said, "Hey, I might be having a baby with a gay guy."  He said, "Ok."  My step-mom said, "Really?!?!?  How exciting!"  Hmm...foreshadow foreshadow.

It's not that I didn't want to have kids with B.  I just never had a firm conviction that there was only one way to have kids.  Also, B, who is 9 years older than me, has a child who was born when he was 24 (I met him when he was 29).  He ended up not being involved with his son. When I met him, he was, but the mother moved to CO with the child.  I think that's one reason he went out there so fast when he got the chance.  He didn't talk about it much after that.  (In fact, he talked about it so little that I forgot during the years we were apart.  I actually didn't remember this time, until he said something about his drivers license being revoked.  In MN, that's often because of a lack of child support payments.  This state is pretty strict about such things).  So, that was in my head too.  He swore he wanted a family, and would be very critical of the way N treated me when I was pregnant.  But, also, I wasn't necessarily sizing him up as a potential father.  I knew I wanted kids, but had no active plans in place at the time.  Point being, my decision to become a Choice Mom wasn't made simply because it didn't work out with him or anyone else.

Ok, back on track again.  B dated J for..maybe two years.  They lived together for about a year of that.  They took a trip to Europe and seemed happy.  I'll admit to checking in on him every now and then; I'm nothing if not honest.  I did always wonder how he could give her so many things that he couldn't or wouldn't give me.  At the end of 2011, B added me as a Facebook friend.  I thought about it, but accepted his request.  I noticed he was single, but never contacted him.  My Choice Mom plans were under way; I was in the thinking/planning stages.   In January, I sent him a text.    

To be continued...                


Is there ever a right time?

(Old draft I am finally posting, lol).

Seriously, is there ever?  Let me explain.  It seems that there are all these things I "have" to do before IUI.  I had medical things to get in order.  Check.  I was "supposed" to lose weight.  40 pounds gone.  Check. Check.  I had to find a provider who didn't treat me like...well, I've spent enough time venting about that.  Triple check.

Now, I've been told to wait until I have a full time job in my field with better benefits.  By well meaning people, mind you.  But now I'm wondering if it's actually worth it.  I have a job that pays my bills.  I have insurance, although it could be a bit better because it seems NO ONE has a contract with them.  I have a place to live with an extra bedroom.  I have the option to move if I want to as well.  I have family and friends who will stand behind me no matter what.  And...I'm halfway through another Provera burst, which means AF will be showing herself shortly.  Anyone who has TTC in this manner knows that means choices have to be made.  

I became curious.  I hopped online to research drugs.  Freedom will ship me 1 Ovidrel syringe and 7 Femara tablets for the ULTRA LOW price of $106.50.  I can handle that I suppose.  I called Diamond and spoke to my IF nurse.  She assured me that taking plan B during the previous cycle (another post there) would not interfere with my TTC in the next cycle.  My insurance should cover my first ultrasound/follie check.  If I need a second one, I'll probably end up with a bill.  I can pick up my "juice" myself now, so no shipping costs there.  $150 for the "big show"  (they offer a decent discount if you pay cash that day).

I know the old saying goes that if you wait for the right time to have kids you will never have them.  I'm getting to the point where I feel like I've waited long enough.  What do you all think?  Should I wait and see for another cycle or just say heck with it and go for it?