Serious changes?

Hi everyone!  These past few weeks have been interesting to say the least.  I was on a much needed break from TTC.  Yes, a break.  As expected, my beta was negative.  I didn't even cry when I heard the news.  I knew it was coming.  

I decided that this cycle I needed to work on me.  I half succeeded.  I've been working a lot, and not being nearly as active as I was up to TTC.  I have been watching what I eat, but I have to admit to writing a rant on Facebook about the Republicans coming to the door and coming between me and my syrup and butter-laden pancakes.  Oops.  My total weight loss to date got up to 55 pounds, but I gained 3 of them back.  Oh well.   I think a lot of women go into a "break" with the intention of getting in better shape or changing their diets during that time, and it doesn't quite work out all the time.  Hey, I'm happy, and that's what matters.

I have been doing some serious thinking.  I'm debating what to do for my next cycle.  I definitely think that the Gonal-F is the way to go.  I'll get better eggs and more of them.  But, I'm also concerned about the progesterone levels.  I'm toying with the idea of another Femara cycle to see if the PIO injections can get the level high enough for comfort.  This may or may not be a reasonable train of thought, but should I waste the Gonal-F on a cycle that has less chance of working out because my levels aren't high enough to support my little bean sticking?  Hmmm.....

In other news, your favorite wannabee MN mama went on a date last Friday.  I maintained a period of no-contact with the Ironman, and the only contact I did have with him after involved me wishing him a happy birthday and telling him about a trip I plan to take.  I told him I wasn't mad so much as "inquisitively disappointed" in him (this is in reference to the information I learned from E).  My therapist was supportive of this and has done a beautiful job of being there for me during the past  couple of months.

My therapist also encouraged me to go on a date or two if I felt I was ready.  Since making my decision to become an SMC, and even when I was still thinking about it, I haven't actively sought out new men to date.  The ones I was attracted to kind of fell in my lap.  And B was a part of my life before.  Well, I had been talking to A, a guy I went to high school with, via Facebook.  We knew who the other was, but never really hung out, although we did have friends in common.  We hadn't seen each other in almost 11 years.  We have some things in common and found it easy to converse with each other.  The conversations would get flirty occasionally, but not out of hand.  I could sense he was interested in me, but he never made a move.  So, one day, I just said, "If you want to get together with me sometime, just ask me."  He did immediately.

Anyways, he's been divorced for about 5 years, owns his own home in our hometown, and has primary custody of his 6-year old daughter.   He does computer programing and seems to enjoy it, although I admit I only understand about half of what he says sometimes.  He seems to have his life together somewhat, so I figured why not?

We met up for dinner and then went to a Halloween maze, where we were promptly rained on like no one's business.  It was fun though.  No lapses in conversation, and we both have a similar sense of humor so we were able to joke and keep it interesting.  We left early because of the rain, and got stuck in horrible traffic due to construction.  We had left his car at his house and gone in mine; Shakopee is a ways away after all.  I had to work in the morning, so I didn't stay long.  I got a tour of the house (his daughter was at her mom's house for the weekend), and checked out his gaming laptop.  I've given you plenty of reasons to laugh at me over the past year or so, so what's one more?  Ready?  When we were hugging good-bye, I got a good whiff of him.  I'm somewhat unusual in that I associate memory with the way things smell.  My olfactory sense is part of what determines my level of attraction to someone.  If it's the right person, it sort of shakes something up deep inside of me.  It's kind of hard to explain.  It's more than just pheromones.  Normally, I keep this quiet.  But that night?  I found myself whispering, "You smell good."  He looked at me with a bit of curiosity, and hugged me again.  He leaned his forehead against mine and said, "I'll see you soon."  We kissed a few times, and I left.

So, we shall see.  He did say that he's not sure about having more children, but then said, "Well, I suppose it's all right as long as the kids don't out-number the parents," and smiled at me.  (He had been engaged to a woman up until about a year ago who had 3 kids.)  I haven't told him about my TTC plans, but I will if I keep seeing him.  I will most definitely keep him in the loop more than I did with B.  B was always aware of it, but I never got a clear answer of how he felt about it.  I was so afraid of his reaction that I didn't tell him when I had my first IUI.  I did try though; I really did.  And after, well, you all know what happened....

We shall see how things continue to play out.  My plan right now is to save up for three ultrasounds (ouch) and continue on with life.  Let the cards fall where they may...good night!!!