Tuesday, April 2, 2013

My body isn't mine anymore.

Today's post is a little more melodramatic than you all may be used to.  It has to do with feelings that I'm sure any woman struggling with fertility/TTC issues can relate to, single or otherwise.  I'm getting to the point where I'm feeling like my body isn't mine anymore.  My body belongs to the doctors, the midwives, the nurses, the lab techs, and the trainers.  I have no control over it anymore.  I am basically a science experiment.  I have given myself over to the will of forces I have no control over.  Can I ovulate, can I regulate my hormones, can I even get pregnant?  And, after I am pregnant, my body will belong to my child; at least for a couple of years.  I am no longer just myself; I am a single woman with fertility issues.  After I have a child, I will be a single mother.  And, while I will be proud to call myself a single mother by choice, it doesn't mean that I won't struggle with the challenges that come with it.

Right now, the challenges have to do with how impersonal this whole process is.  I am proud to be doing this on my own, but I can't help but wonder if having a partner would make it easier on me.  I don't have someone to share the burden of the struggles I am facing.  Yes, I have family and friends, but it's not the same.  I know that infertility can drive a wedge in even the strongest relationship, but infertile couples still have each other in the end, even if they never have children.  And, if I never do, then what will I have?

Maybe this has to do with the realization that I am, for the most part, sentencing myself to several years of a romance-free existence.  I have realized that there are few, if any, men that want anything to do with a woman who is TTC or pregnant.  Well, there are, but their motives are somewhat...questionable.  I have heard a couple of stories of woman who found Mr. Right right before or just after their long-awaited BFP.  But, I know that those stories are few and far between.  I have not changed my mind about TTC; not in the least.  But, there is a part of me that wants to be with someone, even if only temporarily, to remind myself that I am still me, still a woman, still desirable, still human.

I have been feeling this way for about a month now.  I have no idea why I haven't written about it sooner.  I suppose it's because I feel like I have to have this strong front up at all times.  Like I have to be the proud, independent, courageous woman that everyone is expecting me to be.  I think I have to learn to accept that I am not infallible, and that I will struggle as much as I will triumph.  I'm hoping I will triumph soon, however, because the struggling is getting to be a bit much.     

1 comment:

  1. I hear you on that idea of your body not being yours. That is one of the more unpleasant aspects of this whole process, married or single - having your body, your private space, be constantly invaded and interfered with. Hardly a day goes by that I don't think about how glad I am that my body is my private space again because I'm not pregnant. No pills, shots, supplements, dietary requirements or restrictions. Although that may all come to an end for me soon, as you well know. Thanks for the recommendation of Fertilaid. I may not take it for a while but I'm glad I have one positive review.