Saturday, August 24, 2013

Bam again, or The Next Go-Round...

The story continues...

So, now we are in January.  I have my sperm.  I'm newly diagnosed with PCOS.  You've all read those posts.  I reached out to him.  I have no idea why.  I told him I felt like tying up lose ends.  I told him I thought of his cheating not so much as wanting to hurt me, but as his way out.  I told him I had forgiven him (I was really at peace with where I was at).  I asked for his forgiveness too; I said some pretty horrible things to him.  Although, now, I'm not so sure I should have been so quick to apologize.   

More foreshadow...ooo eee ooo....ok then.

He asked why I contacted him.  What was this new leaf I was turning over?  "Are you getting married or something?"  I laughed and told him, "No, most definitely NOT getting married!"  The next day, I spilled the beans.  He congratulated me.  He told me he always knew I'd be a wonderful mother.  "Wow, a sperm donor, huh?"

We didn't talk much, then in early March, I was working a shift through the nursing pool.  I ran into an old co-worker's (now) ex wife.  She was surprised to know B was my ex.  She said, "You know, people always wondered about you two.  I could see you ending up together."  Ok, that kinda did it.  Anyways, I can't remember who reached out to who, but he told me he'd been following me online.  That he had been thinking about me.  So, we started talking big time again.  More marathon late night conversations again.  He wanted to come see me that first night.  I told him no.  The next Friday, we texted for hours, then Skyped for another five hours or so.  It wasn't all heavy conversation, but it did get serious.  He told me he moved on with J because he thought I had. I told him I moved on because I had no other choice.  He said that they were in love, but that she couldn't handle him treating her well.  She had dated a man for around seven years, who cheated on her and didn't treat her very well.  She was very suspicious.  They went to therapy.  She said she realized she didn't love him after all.  "I could have kids with him, but I don't think I love him."  (Mind you, these are B's words.  I've never spoken to J.)  When I told him I only moved on because I didn't have a choice.  He asked why I never told him this, and I said, "Because you just went away."  He began to break down and cry.  "Five years, we lost five years."  I told him that I thought things were my fault.  More crying.  "Honey, why did you carry that with you all this time?  I'm sorry; I'm so sorry."

All right, red flags already right?  Ah, hindsight; what a cruel mistress you are....

I've never had Skype sex before that night, but strangely, it's not so awkward as it may seem.  After that night, I was in love ALL over again.  I was in church the following day, and I'm not too proud to say that I looked at the aisle and had an image of us walking up it together in wedding garb.  He had one arm through mine, the other around a toddler on his hip; a boy with brown hair and dark eyes in a miniature tux.  We had just gotten married, and he accepted my child.

Around this time, I was finishing my program and getting ready for my boards.  B and I talked about my TTC plans, but he knew that I wasn't planning on it then and there.  I asked him if he wanted me to put them on hold for awhile to see what would happen with us.  I explained about pre-paid storage, as well as the other semantics of purchasing goods and using a cryo-bank, i.e., you can sell your vials back if you decide not to use them.  He initially said, "No, your plans seem set. I wouldn't want to be in the way of that."  We then agreed to try and see what happened with us, since I wasn't ready to TTC yet anyways.  I told him I'd give it a few months.  I asked him how he would feel raising a child that wasn't biologically his and from a donor, not a daddy.  He said he didn't know.  He had never thought about what that would be like.  Women he knew with kids had them the old fashioned way.  I didn't tell him I had begun to think of him as a father figure, but I had.  I saw how he lit up when talking about his nephews and niece.  I had seen how family oriented he had become.  He wasn't out partying with his work buddies every night.  He had hobbies, he appeared to have settled down.  During our first conversation, when I asked him if he lived alone, he said, "No just with my wife and family," in a joking way.  But then later said it would be nice.  I concluded that if he seemed ready to have kids, we could do it either way.  If he wanted the child to be his, I would have waited until at least next year to start trying.  We would have been together a year then.  That's enough time to know if we can make that work, given our history.  If not, I would TTC this year when I was ready.  He wouldn't be obligated to stay with me, and if it didn't work out, we would have no obligation to try to co-parent.  I really wanted to avoid raising a child under the circumstances I was raised.  My decision to have a child had been made, but I wasn't going to jump into having one with him traditionally right off the bat.    

Notice that the image I had in church was of us being married with an older child.  Either way, the child would have come first.  This is actually not uncommon in modern Scandinavian culture.  In America, there is still an over-bearing sense that marriage should come first.  Across the pond and up "Nort", it is quite commonplace for children to be in their parents' wedding, and I do mean their parents' first wedding.  In fact, the Crown Princess of Norway was a single mom when she met her Prince at an outdoor rock festival.  I was in Norway the summer they got married, and believe me, the people accepted it with open arms.  There really wasn't a scandal.  Well, perhaps the citizens were too stoic to acknowledge the scandalous thought; hahaha.         

My wonderful readers may remember my posts from around this time regarding relationships and how men would feel about a woman in this situation.  Remember how I said that I'd accept a man's child under any circumstances?  Yup, I meant B.    

Anyways, I got to know B again.  Yup, he still had my heart.  But, he seemed withdrawn sometimes.  He would say, "I've been told I'm hot and cold or have the intensity of lasers."  He would either be in the moment 100%, or not really all there.  It was hard to see each other, though we did talk every day.  And, at the time of my boards, no sex yet.  (Yes, the child conversation came WAAY before the sex; as it should be).  We wanted each other and weren't shy about speaking of it or...well, Skyping it out; heh.  It was the same way before.  He would talk it up, but then it wouldn't happen.  The first time we did it all those years ago, it was me who told him to come and put his money where his mouth was.  He was so nervous on the way to my house; like a teenaged virgin.  He got over it quite quickly as soon as we were inside-heh.  So, this time, after Thai food, I sat in his lap and told him the dance was over.  I didn't know it would feel that way and I have no idea why, but making love to him felt so natural to me, like we should have been doing so all along.  It wasn't the crazy animalistic sex we would have before, but it felt comfortable, right.  That night, we stayed up talking until around 4am.  He was actually the one asking me questions while I was falling asleep; funny.  He held me and rubbed my back.  It felt so good to wake up and feel him next to me.  He held me for another two hours. When we got up, he made me breakfast.  When he went to bike to work later (he drives, but prefers to bike; I called him my Ironman Bam for a reason), he kissed me good-bye.  After he got halfway down the block, he turned around, then talked to me for another 20 minutes.  Then he kissed me again, and left.

It would seem like a fairytale ending.  And really, I felt like a princess that day.  I couldn't wipe the stupid grin off my face for days. I felt so loved.  Um....reality check.  Watch the classic musical Into The Woods.  Act three is what happens AFTER happily ever after.....

A hint: when we were in bed that first night, his phone rang at 2am.  He looked at it, saying at 2am it must be an important person.  It apparently wasn't.  I giggled and said, "Or a drunk person."  He said, "No, I got rid of my crazy exes."  I said, "But you told me you hadn't been with anyone since J."  He stopped cold.  "Um...no, I have."

   



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