The summer progressed. B fell back to his old ways. Cold and distant sometimes, hot and passionate the others. I missed him when he wasn't there. He likes to bike a lot, he is very dedicated to his family. I am not the type of woman to try to keep a man from the things and people he loves. I had a social life, work responsibilities, etc. as well. I asked several times where we were headed. I think that's a fair question, don't you all. I never got an answer. Then, he got messy when I would ask what he was doing on the days I worked. He managed to go to his mother's birthday party twice in one week in fact.
Remember that cruel bitch, Lady Hindsight? Yeah....
So, in May, I noticed a post on Facebook from a woman, L. It went like this:
L: "When do I get to see you?!?!!?"
B: "Tell me when you are going to a movie! I'll go with! Love movies; how was Ironman."
L: "Didn't see it. I ended up cleaning my house and drinking. Let's go!"
I asked B about this. His response? "She was a friend from last year. Don't talk to her anymore." Later, I asked him why he agreed to go to a movie with her if he didn't talk to her anymore. He got angry, but never gave me an answer. He became sweet again after I dropped it. He then removed any mention of her from his Facebook page. But not before I read all their communication since they became "friends" in late 2011. Yup, outings, pics; he even became friends with her sister. In October of last year, the communication became sporadic and she talked about how her heart had been broken. But, then, he started talking to her again. Then, she started complaining about how she was being ignored and was hurt by someone. You can all fill in the rest I'm sure. No matter what was happening, he was trying to hide her, which is not ok.
It got to be time for me to make a decision. I decided that I couldn't wait for him to make up his mind. I posted about coming to the decision that it was time here. I realized that the right man would support me. I asked him several times where we were at and never got an answer. So, I did an IUI cycle. Got an NTT. (I'll blog about that later). I didn't tell him either; perhaps I should have. He knew it was coming though; and I couldn't deal with his potential reaction over it. I wanted to tell him in person, and I couldn't do it before the IUI. I did tell him I was doing something important though, and asked him to wish me luck that day. I found $100. Take that how you will. It went right into the Diamonds' hands. I did tell him eventually. I asked him to please just tell me he didn't want to be with me if that was the case. I said, "If it helps, I was inseminated last week. If you want the out, then take it. But I really need to hear it from you. I don't want to guess." Nothing.
The week before last, my grandmother got sick. She went into cardiac arrest ten times and was in the ICU with a brand new pacemaker/defibrillator. I stayed with Grandpa, who has vascular dementia. The next morning, I found Grandpa leaning over the bathroom sink, sweaty, and weak, complaining of chest pain. So, he went lights and sirens too. I'm glad I was there and able to start interventions right away. It turns out he had an infection of some sort; but they couldn't trace it. Because his blood pressure was so low, he ended up the ICU room right next to Grandma. When we got the call that Grandma was coding, I was a wreck. I hadn't told her about TTC. I didn't know how she'd react, so I never told her. I wished I had. After signing the consent for the emergency procedure at the cath lab, I reached out to B. I hadn't heard from him all week. I told him I hadn't heard from him in awhile, but I needed a friend. That I could be losing someone very dear to me and had left things unsaid between us. Nothing. I got a text saying he was out of town camping and sorry about my grandmother; like six hours later (he got back into town on Monday; it was Thursday). Asshole. I'll say it. Asshole.
I'd had it. I lashed out at him. I could blame it on hormones, but I knew in my heart what was probably happening, and I was angry. So no, it was mostly me talking. I started telling him that it was like he was ignoring me, like he was making excuses, like he was keeping me on the back burner, just like before. I told him he was either seeing or sleeping with someone else and just didn't have the courage to tell me. He said he wasn't, but I must be, and am now throwing it in his face. Um; no. Not really. "I have been going full force with a lot of things. I'm sorry at I have not been really detailed or present with you." I've heard that before. In fact, that is the last thing I have heard from him as of this minute. It's always something with him, and then another woman comes out of the woodwork. So, L's stuff comes back up on Facebook yesterday. He starts contacting her again. Actually, I recently saw he never really stopped. (See above, I read through her page). Again, no matter what, he was using her to upset me.
I had been sending B messages telling him how hurt I was by his actions, that he was treating me the same as before. That I thought he had changed, but hadn't. That I shared so much of myself with him. That I had thought of him as a father figure to my children, either biologically or as an adoptive parent. That I had trusted him with something I loved and cared about more than my own heart, and he threw it back in my face. Nothing. Silence. I don't know if he even read any of it. I never will.
I posted this on Thursday night:
"B, I am a wonderful person with a heart of gold. You have had
that heart for the past ten years; during the times we were together and
the times we were with other people; whether I admitted it to myself or
not. Through thick and thin, you've always had it. There aren't many
women who would care for someone that much. You once said you gave me
yours too, or have you forgotten? And this
time, you could have had so many things, including the family you said
you always wanted. Maybe one day you'll finally decide you can let
people in again. Maybe one day, you can stop being so "scared" of what's
right in front of you. But, I make no promises I'll be waiting for you.
I don't have anyone else right now, but I moved on the other times
because I had no other choice. I suppose I can do it again if I have to.
And, if that's the case, know that you lost (another) good woman;
again. And now, I know for sure you got the message."
I know that that might not have been the best idea. But, I needed to say that. And I needed to know he would see it. It's not that I wanted others to see it. I needed him to see it. And...after, there was no response, but he was signed into chat for several hours. I'm guessing there were some questions being asked of him, although that wasn't my motivation either. Like I said, I didn't do it because others would see it. I saw it because my amazing friends and family were consoling me as well, and I was talking to them. I am very thankful for them; they have no idea how much.
I didn't delete him off Facebook until tonight. He didn't take down my comment until yesterday afternoon. He still hasn't said a word to me. I noticed last night that he added a familiar looking woman, E, shortly after my comment disappeared. I couldn't place it, but she looked familiar. So, I did that thing you aren't supposed to do. I looked through his page; his whole page. He has been on and off with her since at least 2008. There's pictures from Spring 2008; when he was still trying to be with me. There's posts about her being with his family. She was added over and over throughout the years, often when his communication with L would die down, although it often overlapped. It looks like it happened a couple of times when he was with J too. I looked at her page. There are
pictures of she and him together in California out at a bar and snuggled
up together from last April, around the same time he was road-tripping with L and telling her how much he couldn't wait to see her. And, remember how he said he never saw anyone after J? I'm guessing he added her again yesterday, because she's the only one left in his harem who didn't see what I wrote. I realized he has played me and so many other women over the years. And, we all must be "crazy." Well, there is a crazy person in the mix, but it's the only person with an XY chromosome.
And finally, at the end of 2008, almost a year after the initial break up; well after I told him not to contact me, I saw him trash talking me with D, and her saying it's good I stayed out of gun range.
I feel like such an idiot. I am so angry with myself. I convinced myself that this time would be different, even though all the signs were there that he hadn't changed. My friends said, "He hasn't changed." My father said, "Get rid of him." But I didn't. I feel like he's used these other women to hurt me, and what's worse, he probably used me to hurt them. It kills me that I was a part of causing a good woman the same pain I feel and have felt (D being the exception to that statement).
What's worse, I almost exposed my child to a man like that. Looking back at it now, what kind of father is a man who tells his girlfriend to keep quiet about a child he already has? What kind of father would a man be if he treats the child he has like dirty laundry? That was years ago, but, does a man like that ever change? Probably not. I am so thankful that I and all the other women alive today have options. I do not have to stay in a relationship that is this detrimental in order to have a family. And, thus, I am on to IUI cycle #2. My heart is hurting so bad right now; I sometimes wish it would bleed out and put me out of my misery. But, I have to keep telling myself that I made the right choice and that I will be ok in the end.