So, the last cycle was really more of a learning experience. Ok, it was pure chaos. If you think about it, I had no idea how I would react to the meds. I had never experienced it before. Now, I sort of decided to go ahead with the cycle for many reasons. I was in the middle of a Provera withdrawal, and decisions needed to be made-fast. But honestly, what was I waiting for? Christmas? You all know that by now, B still hadn't made up his mind. And, I cannot make decisions in my life based on what others may or may not want, nor how they will react. So, I made the right choice for me. I called Jami at Diamond, and I went for it.
CD 1, I called in like a good girl. The doctor said there was no reason to do a baseline ultrasound this cycle if I didn't want to. Um...ok no problem with that! Jami called in my prescriptions for Femara and Ovidrel. Starting CD 3, I took 5mg of Femara for 7 days. I went in on CD 11 for a follicle check. Here's what they saw:
Ironically, I asked B to wish me luck that morning. He did. I found $100 a few minutes later.
The weekend before my IUI, my family reunion took place. I took my parents aside for Skols (our version of a Scandinavian tradition), and showed them my eggs with pride. They toasted me with Crown, gave me hugs, held my insemisocks, and wished me luck. Later, my extended family members took turns holding my socks and wishing me luck, even though most of them had no idea what it was about. I'm seriously crying while I write this. I'm so lucky to have a family like that. They stand behind me no matter what, even if they don't quite understand everything that's happening.
The Friday of my follie scan, I called the keepers of the freezer to arrange to pick up my "juice." For whatever reason, I couldn't come out and say what I needed. Why that is awkward, I'll never know. Picture me calling them up and stuttering..."Um, I need to come and pick up my...that is...what's the procedure for....". Yes, ME, verbally fumble. Haha!
I triggered Sunday night with no issue. I historically don't like giving shots to myself (I mean, I don't feel it when I stick a patient :), but it went over fine. I had to go to the lab on Monday morning after calling and asking VERY nicely for them to open the lab for pick-up a little early so I could be to work on time. (My job was NOT being very helpful with my schedule this week). I had a minor freak-out because the tank tipped over in my back seat for about ten minutes on the way to work. I called the lab, and they said that as long as there were no cracks in the tank, I was good. Whew!
The Clearblue monitor showed two bars Monday morning, then Monday night, I felt my ovaries start to ache for a bit. Tuesday morning, I had three bars with a little egg; the first time I've ever seen it. I knew it was coming, but so excited anyways. On the way to Diamond I felt a huge cramp/ache on my left side only (where my two big follies were). I was a little worried that I'd ovulated the night before, but I think that what I felt in the car was the real deal.
At the check-in desk, I greeted the receptionist with, "Heey I'm here for the big show!" a la Juno. She got it, which was fantastic in so many ways! Jami came out and took the tank from me. I waited awhile longer, then she came and got me. She saw my socks and told me to put them on and think good, happy thoughts. She came back with the catheter in hand and had me check the donor number on the vial. She said the sample looked "great" with about 40% motility. Is that good? I have no idea. When she saw my cervix, she said it was open, but not as open as she's seen. I'm still kind of worried that we timed it wrong. When she pushed the plunger on the catheter, she said, "Ok little guys, go and do your job." I giggled a bit at that.
I had this whole plan. I was going to ask Jami to turn the lights down. I had my relaxing music, and wanted to meditate during my 20 minute "rear in the air" time. Jami left fast, and the lights stayed on. Then kept coming back. "What cycle day is this?" "What pharmacy are you using?" So much for that. After that, I paid my $150 and left.
Then, came the 2ww. The FUCKING HORRID 2WW. Where every symptom you have could be pregnancy or could be just the massive ammount of progesterone screwing with you body, your head, your heart, your soul. And, the morning of the 14th day, I stared at a pregnancy test with one line only. DAMMIT!!!
I went in and had my blood drawn, but I got a call in the afternoon confirming it. I was not pregnant. In the TTC world, this used to be called a BFN, or big fat negative. Recently, many women have started calling it NTT, or Not This Time. It will happen, we have to believe it will. It just didn't happen this time. I'll admit it though; I felt like a failure. I did every thing I was supposed to do. But, it didn't work.
My step-mom said the sweetest thing to me when I emailed her and Dad to tell them.
I'm sure it's very disappointing to not
get pregnant when so much has gone in to it. You aren't the failure.
Something else went wrong, but it wasn't you. It was some piece
of biology, sans of feelings, a sense of hopefulness or a dream, that
went wrong; though it still leaves you with the sadness of it not turning
out as you had hoped.
The fact that you ovulated is quite encouraging. It's unknown if
the 10 women who got pregnant with this guy's sperm were successful
the first time. But I can understand your discouragement when it is
something you want so much. I'll say prayers for you, Kiddo.
And, so that is how I am ending this tale. With tears and prayers, hanging on the promise of the next cycle.